presents The Angry Liberal
October 14, 2002
Bush to Saddam: "This Here Planet Ain't Big Enough for the Two of Us."
by The Angry Liberal
For those of you who missed it, that guy occasionally spotted hanging around the White House between Republican fund-raisers gave a little speech Monday night on the subject of getting rid of Saddam Hussein. Those who speculated before the speech that it would contain nothing new were dead wrong. Bush broke ground in two important areas. First, he set a new world record for the most mispronunciations of the word "nuclear" in a single speech by a grown-up. Second, Bush finally mentioned rebuilding the economy in public. Unfortunately, it turns out that the economy he's interested in rebuilding is Iraq's, but it's a start.
Fear not, America! There is a solution to the Iraq problem that would make everybody happy. It was proposed by Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan last Thursday. I am formally endorsing his solution as the most reasonable and practical one I've heard to date to facilitate regime change in Iraq. I'm talking about, of course, a duel between Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush.
Before we dismiss this offer out-of-hand as the Bush administration has, let's discuss the merits of this offer. First, in George's speech Monday night, we learned the following:
"Saddam Hussein is a homicidal dictator who is addicted to weapons of mass destruction."
(Them's fightin' words, Mister President.)
And this bit of news:
"America is a friend to the people of Iraq. Our demands are directed only at the regime that enslaves them and threatens us."
If America is a friend to the people of Iraq, why does Bush want to kill a few hundred thousand of them just to remove the regime that enslaves them? If Bush were to accept the Iraqi offer of a duel, he could take care the "homicidal dictator" with one bullet, sparing the lives of hundreds of thousands of "America's friends" in the process.
The Bush administration is already onboard with the "one bullet" scenario, by the way. The only debate seems to be about who should fire the bullet. At a press conference last week, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said the following when asked about cheaper alternatives to war with Iraq:
"The cost of one bullet, if the Iraqi people take it on themselves, is substantially less than (war)."
Remember, Ari, if you want something done right, do it yourself. And given the potential $100+ billion cost of war, I"m guessing the US taxpayers might even be willing to spring for the bullet.
Besides, it's not like Bush can't work a little duel into his schedule. As far as I can tell, all he does is vacation, read speeches that somebody else wrote, and fly around the nation at taxpayers' expense, raising money for Republicans. Given this program of lollygagging, the duel could be scheduled in a manner that doesn't interfere with Bush's current lifestyle. Maybe the duel could be held somewhere that Dubya has always wanted to visit, making it part of a working vacation. I hear Washington, DC is nice this time of year. Next, I'm sure that the White House speech writer, whomever he or she may be, could read his or her own speeches for a day or two. And to make that person appear a little more camera-friendly, he or she could wear a hat to cover up the horns. As for the Republicans, who would miss a couple of days of fund-raising, that's a no-brainer. Just make the duel a pay-per-view event, with all proceeds going to the Wealthiest One Percent Relief Fund. Tonight on cable channel 1200: "The Shot Heard 'Round the World II!"
Next, we all know the personal history of George W. Bush. This is a man who has surfed through life on Dad's coattails. Name a Bush "accomplishment" -- Yale, Harvard, getting a pass on Vietnam, oil companies, baseball teams, politics -- and imagine a man named George W. Smith getting the same lucky breaks. Fat chance. In fact, it could be argued that the first real chance Dubya has ever had to accomplish something on his own would be to face Saddam Hussein under the noontime sky, revolver at the ready. At long last, Bush's resume would list an achievement without an asterisk next to it.
Finally, for those of you who are worried that Bush could actually lose the duel, I gave that some thought as well. For the official duel referee, I give you none other than Katherine Harris of 2000 Florida Election fame.
Anybody still worried about Bush losing?
So, there it is, America. George W. Bush no longer needs to convince us citizens, Congress, the UN, NATO, or anybody else that it's time for Hussein to go. He doesn't have to worry about sending the Middle East into a regional war, disrupting the world oil market and further endangering our economy. No longer would he be up past 9:30 PM worrying about the cost in lives, dollars, and world prestige that a U.S. first strike on Iraq would entail. All he has to do is strap on his Peacemaker, saddle up Air Force One, and head for the O.K. Corral.
Yeah, I know, It'a silly solution. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Bush's serious solution: War, increased anti-U.S. sentiment, world condemnation, regional upheaval, economic distress, exploding deficits, body bags, untold worldwide suffering, and a new generation of terrorists who watched their parents suffer and die in "Desert Storm, Jr." What a relief.
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© 2002, The Angry Liberal
otherwise noted, all original