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George W. Bush Addresses the U. S. Olympic Team

February 9, 2002

On the evening of February 8, Faux President George W. Bush addressed the U. S. Olympic athletes in a gymnasium in the Salt Lake City Olympic village. Standing before the team in a short skirt and backless blue cheerleader blouse with "USA" hastily sewn over the original "Enron" logo, Bush seemed to easily revert to his Harvard cheerleading days. Rushing across the stage, Bush performed an aborted half-cartwheel, landing awkwardly in a squatting position. "Sorry! I never tried one of those sober before!" quipped the president. He then reached into his blouse and retrieved the evening's speech.

"My Fellow Olympic Athletes:

All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Salt Lake City, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words 'Ich bin ein Salt Lake Citier. . .'

Hey! Who wrote this? I ain't Ted Kennedy!" shouted Bush to his aides, wadding up the speech. Ari Flescher looked away and giggled.

"Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm happy to be here in Nevada (Whatever, Ari!) with a room full of folks that have dared to reach for greatness. I've been reachin' all my life and whenever that branch is too high, Dad hires somebody to cut the tree down for me. The point is that y'all have worked hard and made it here. And y'all will be representin' our great nation in these Olympic games.

I need to remind you that some of them contestants from other nations are gonna be evil, so you just keep your eyes on 'em. They'll try to win using witchcraft and praying to gods that don't even speak English. That Al Gore gave me the evil eye in the second debate. Ever since, I haven't be able to say 'nu-que-ler weapons' right. I was so embarrassed about it that I pulled out of that ABM thing with Russia just to avoid having to say that word. Some of them evil athletes might try the same thing on you. You just keep your eye on the ball. (Damn it, Ari, I know there ain't no balls in the Winter Olympics! It's one of them metaphors!) Sorry. As I was sayin', you just keep your mind on what you're all here for and you'll do just fine. And that means no hanky-panky, too. I know it's on your minds. I've seen them skater girls, and when them short skirts twirl up. . .

Anyway, God is watching, and so is the world. So keep your minds on your contests. When you hit that slope or rink or whatever it is that you hit, and you know that you're representin' the greatest country in the world, and God likes us better than any of them foreigners, you can't possibly fail! And if you do, there's always the Supreme Court!

Thank you, and God Bless America! (Hey, Ari, which way to that Mormon Tavern?)"

The president then hastily exited the gym amid a chant from the crowd:

"USA! USA!"

which was quickly replaced with

"RECOUNT! RECOUNT!"

(The Angry Liberal wishes our Olympic athletes the best. Unlike Bush, you've earned your place in life. Your nation is proud of you. May you reap the rewards of your hard work at the Salt Lake City Games.)

Write The Angry Liberal at: thebigcheese@theangryliberal.com

© 2002, The Angry Liberal