August 26, 2003
Iraq: We Broke it. We Bought It.
by The Angry Liberal
Pompous, arrogant unilateralist nation has contract entry-level (cannon fodder) positions available at our exciting new Iraq location! Duties include search and destroy functions; rounding up and interrogating locals; guarding oil facilities and other places deemed important by employer; dodging bullets, RPGs, and assorted home-made munitions; pretending to be hot on the trail of Saddam Hussein, al Qaida, or WMD; and looking upbeat while your comrades are wounded or killed on a daily basis. No experience necessary. We'll train the right nations. Required skills: A willingness to lean into the strike zone and take one for the team. Benefits: An increase in terrorist activity inside the applicant's borders. Chance for advancement: None. Non-UNion only.
Remember before the Iraq war started? George W. Bush and his flock of chicken hawks at the White House told us that America would disarm Saddam Hussein with or without the help of the rest of the world. Colin Powell was dispatched to the United Nations to make a couple of half-hearted attempts to persuade other nations to join us. He told the U. N. Security Council in February that Saddam Hussein must be stopped:
We know that Saddam Hussein is determined to keep his weapons of mass destruction, is determined to make more. Given Saddam Hussein's history of aggression, given what we know of his grandiose plans, given what we know of his terrorist associations, and given his determination to exact revenge on those who oppose him, should we take the risk that he will not someday use these weapons at a time and a place and in a manner of his choosing, at a time when the world is in a much weaker position to respond?
Gosh, we sure "knew" a lot back then, didn't we? This might be a good time to discuss the difference between the phrase "we think" and the phrase "we know." Had Powell used "we think" in the preceding quote, the world would now think "we" made a mistake. Because Powell chose to say "we know" instead, the world now is pretty sure that "we" are liars. But Powell was tasked with slinging this bucket of manure at the security council, so he did. For some strange reason, the United Nations considered Powell's factually questionable request to start a war with Iraq and politely told him, "No, thank you." And with that little formality out of the way, Bush and company were free to roll up their sleeves and save the world without being bothered by all of those pesky foreign military units getting in the way.
Several thousand deaths later, it turns out that the world didn't need saving from Iraq after all. In addition, it appears that the Iraqis aren't all thrilled with being saved, either. Our soldiers are being killed on an almost daily basis, maintaining our presence in Iraq is costing us $4 billion a month, and there's no end in sight. In other words, it turns out that the Bush administration was absolutely wrong about the necessity of a war in Iraq, and we liberals, the U.N., the international community, the Pope, and NATO were all absolutely right. More importantly, going it alone now has a cost that even a moron like George W. Bush can understand. When you put together a real coalition, then you have help with the financing, the fighting, and the dying. Yes, kids, sometimes the right thing to do is also the most popular, cheapest, and least dangerous. Dubya's dad could have told him that.
And so Colin Powell, still red-faced from his embarrassing attempt to mislead the United Nations into following the Coalition of the Stupid into battle, is in front of the U. N. again, hat in hand, placing the above advertisement on the break room bulletin board. It's a simple request. Send your nation's troops to Iraq for service under American command. Send your cash to Iraq to be spent as America sees fit. But don't bother to ask for a say in how your troops are deployed or your money is spent. Americans are particularly familiar with this concept. It's called taxation without representation. Man, I've seen everything now.
For any nation thinking of signing on to Bush's little political science project, I urge them to consider this: Do you know how smart your nation was to stay out of Iraq? You got to find out that Saddam Hussein was no threat to any of us. You lost no lives in battle. You wasted none of your own tax dollars. And finally, you are pretty much guaranteed that retaliation for Bush's unqualified fiasco in Iraq will be against coalition members, with the United States as the most likely target. Why would any other nation want to lend its name, soldiers, and treasure to this illegal undertaking and change the above equation? Any nation that signs on to this mess now must realize that nothing good can possibly come from its involvement. Of course, as an American, I hope they will ignore everything I just said and help us climb out of the deep hole that the Bush administration dug for us. But if any nations join us at this point, it would be out of a charitable feeling for us poor suckers who are stuck with George W. Bush as our leader rather than any urgent need to oust Saddam Hussein or round up them nu-cue-lur weapons and stuff.
The single best phrase that describes our situation in Iraq is this: We broke it. We bought it. If we weren't interested in the world's help before the war, we shouldn't be interested now. Before the war, Bush and his henchmen did everything possible to sideline the United Nations, not just on the Iraq issue, but on the world stage. For America to seek the help of the United Nations after being voted down and proven wrong is an admission that the Bush administration simply is in over its empty head. Bush conducted the Iraq crisis like a child running away from home. Now that dusk is falling in Iraq, little Georgie is cold and hungry and wants to come home to the U.N.
To see and raise Dixie Chick Natalie Maines, I can only say this: Earlier today, Koko the gorilla signed that she's embarrassed that George W. Bush descended from her relatives.
otherwise noted, all original