July 6, 2004
Newly Discovered 10th Planet Invades California
by Maureen Farrell
Los Angeles, CA -- In response to fears that California (a state approximately the size of Iraq) might launch weapons of mass destruction into outer space, the newly discovered 10th planet Sedna has invaded and occupied the state, promising to liberate its citizens and improve their way of life.
"We had credible intelligence that said that California possessed and was planning to use WMD against us" said Sedna’s leader, Commander G.W. Voltak, during an interplanetary news conference. "Were we supposed to wait for the final threat, which come in the form of a mushroom cloud?"
Before the invasion, Sedna’s Air Force dropped leaflets throughout the state, promising that their only concern was liberating Californians from poverty, disease and that scary guy from the Terminator movies.
"Have you seen the way those people lived?" one of Sedna’s Senators asked. "Once they understand what we offer -- a life free of poverty, disease and turmoil -- they’ll welcome us as liberators."
Regrettably, approximately 11,000 Californians were killed during the liberation, and many more have been maimed and orphaned. Likewise, the ammunition used by Sedna’s "liberation forces" has, according to some health officials, resulted in a surge in birth defects being reported by Los Angeles and San Diego hospitals. Officials also report high levels of radiation in southern California -- a charge Sednan officials flatly deny.
"We think its worth it," said one of Sedna’s soldiers currently occupying San Francisco. "When we got here, people were locked away in prisons, children were living in poverty and disease was rampant. What kind of superior beings would we be if we didn’t intervene?"
"We have an obligation to work toward a more free world. That's our obligation. That's what we have been called to do, as far as I'm concerned," Commander Voltek recently announced during a Sednan press conference, echoing many of his pre-invasion assertions. "See, free planets are peaceful planets. Free planets don't attack each other. Free planets don't develop weapons of mass destruction," Voltek said last year, before adding billions to Sedna’s military budget.
Currently, however, reports of Californians rising up against the occupation have been mounting and attacks against occupation forces have increased tenfold in recent weeks. "We are determined to crush the rebellion and insure that Californians live freely," provisional overlord Paul L. Gleebot responded. "We are going to fight them and impose our will on them, and we will capture or... kill them until we have imposed law and order on this state."
Polls show that only 2% of Californians believe that Sedna wants to liberate them -- particularly in the wake of photos showing occupying forces placing electrodes on Harvey Keitel’s and other Hollywood stars’ genitals. And despite frequent pledges to cure all human disease, some photos show gleeful aliens, giving the thumbs up sign, while injecting people with the viruses they promised to eradicate.
In the aftermath, anti-Sedna sentiment has spread across the United States, and Californians and Americans everywhere are vowing to fight the alien occupation and prevent it from spreading.
Many Sednan residents, however, believe hard-line tactics against Earthlings are warranted. "There are people in California who would like to see us dead," one unnamed Sednan resident said. "In our world, that is more important than any reports of torture against Earthlings. We cannot go soft now."
Sedna’s liberal media also reportedly televised old footage from the original Star Trek series, showing "connections" between Californians and Klingons.
Other Sednans, referring to Earthlings as "brutes," "savages" and "barbarians" stand behind their leader. "The way these Californians are behaving in the wake of their liberation only proves that they are dangerous. Why are these earthlings so outraged? Why aren’t they upset over images of Californians hurting the Sednan troops that only came to help?"
Though Sedna is in the process of building 14 military bases in California, Sednan officials deny any desire to control the natural resources of any of their new colonies, charging that such "anti-Sednian conspiracy theories" only give aid and comfort to their enemies.
Meanwhile a Web site for the Project for a New Sednan Century revealed that the plan to invade California has been in the works since 1997, as have plans to eventually invade 7 more states, including Texas and Florida.
"Democratic states do not wage war against other democratic states. And a secure and free Florida is an historic opportunity that will lead to a free United States and, in time, a free Earth," Voltek promised, referring to the next phase in Sedna’s increasingly bloody battle for world peace.
In time, all American will be grateful to Sedna, officials promised.
But as reports of Sednan officials abusing Californians continue to surface, the likelihood of any Americans embracing occupation seems increasingly less likely.
For the most part, residents of the 10th planet remain unmoved. "A few Californians have been humiliated (poor babies), and Americans are outraged?" an unidentified Sednan soldier wrote in a letter published in the newly revamped Los Angeles Times. "We are at war. We do not want our leader to apologize for anything."
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*This fictional news release was inspired by an e-mail making the rounds. http://groups.msn.com/ProAmericaProConservative/gene...
Maureen Farrell is a writer and media consultant who specializes in helping other writers get television and radio exposure.
© Copyright 2004, Maureen Farrell