July 5, 2006
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The Pork Barrel Protection Act
by Will Durst
So the Flag Desecration Amendment fell a single vote short of passing in the Senate. And all the liberals are celebrating way too long into the night if you ask me. I imagine the Republicans are laughing so hard right now, their drool guards are spilling over capacity. Because now, they get to bring it up again and again and accuse Democrats of dooming old glory to an ignominious fate over and over. The only problem is flags are so the- day- before- yesterday. Might as well be wearing patchouli scented elephant bells. There’s a whole plethora of American icons in danger of being bespoilt that Republicans can exploit. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Operation: Baseball Preservation.
I don’t want to hear another word about these commie pinko soccer moms. If they can’t be learn how to be good old American baseball moms, maybe they should turn in their mini-vans and consider adoption.
The Thanksgiving Turkey Protection Act.
No ham. No Beef Wellington. No turkey shaped tofu loaf. Its Thanksgiving. You’ll eat turkey and you’ll damn well like it. And the Detroit Lions game better be on every television.
Cheeseburger Anti-Desecration Crusade.
The only proper cheese on a cheeseburger is yellow. Either Wisconsin Cheddar or good ol American. That’s it. You can take your Mexican Pepper Jack and your Baby Swiss and your French Gorgonzola and shred them where the sun never shines. Like on a salad. And its a butter grilled sesame seed bun, not sun dried tomato focaccia bread.
Chocolate Simplification Act.
Its chocolate for crum’s sake. It don’t get more basic than a Hershey Chocolate Bar. If it was good enough to for our brave boys in WW2, it should be good enough for those attention deficit rug rats of yours.
Katie Couric: America’s Sweetheart Proclamation.
There’s absolutely no reason why anybody should be watching Brian Williams or Charlie Gibson to begin with. None. It’s Katie’s world, we just live in it.
The Mandatory Rose Bowl Parade Viewing Order.
Everyone should start the year off by watching the Rose Bowl Parade. And if it takes closing all the bars on New Years Eve to make sure it gets done, that’s what we’ll do.
Apple Pie Protection Bill.
Its apple pie. Nuff said. Ordering any other kind is like throwing mud in your mother’s face. Can you imagine Jimmy Stewart ordering a slice of Turkish Coffee Chiffon Raspberry Torte? I thought not.
Superman is the only Superhero Acceptance Act.
Did you ever hear the X-Men talk about either Truth, Justice and the American Way? Of course not.
Holiday Fruitcake Proliferation Compact.
I don’t care whether you like it or not. This is generational thing and a lot bigger than just you or me. Eat it or pass it on and shut up.
The Official Veneration of Snowboarding as a Winter Sport.
In America, we don’t give a real rat’s ass about the four man luge or whether some 14 year old nailed her triple lutz. If HBO were smart, they’d get Johnny Mosely to interview that girl who celebrated too early and lost the gold for a six part mini series.
Pork Barrel Politics Protection Bill.
“Pork is bad.”“Pork is bad.”How else you supposed to pay back contributors from your district? Bridge builders got to work too, you know. Who cares if there’s no river to cross?
Pabst Blue Ribbon Celebration Act.
Screw Heineken. Pabst Blue Ribbon. Beer comes in brown bottles. Shampoo comes in green bottles.
$2 Dollar a Gallon Gas War.
Oh, wait a minute. We’re already in that.
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Comic, writer, actor, radio talk show host, MacMan, Will Durst promises to watch the Rose Bowl Parade and hopes it doesn’t come to that whole closing all bars deal.
Catch Durst in radio talk show host mode on Keeping it Real With Will & Willie. Monday through Friday. 7-10am. PDT. On KQKE. 960 AM. The QUAKE. San Francisco. Or listen long distance @ quakeradio.com.
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Will Durst is America's premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read, or know someone who does." For more on Will, visit his web site.