June 17, 2006
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Good News / Bad News
by Will Durst
It's almost dead solid meteorological summer and the crossing of the solstice seems to have inaugurated a season of good news / bad news for George W Bush, the Democrats, Iraq, you, me, pretty much everybody. Allow me to illustrate.
• The good news is George W Bush pulled off a secret mission and flew to Baghdad in the dead of night. The bad news is he only stayed five hours and then came right home.
• The good news is Ben Roethlisberger is going to be okay. The bad news is that diagnosis is based on the Gary Busey scale.
• The good news is oil prices are going down. The bad news is they’re taking stock prices with them.
• The good news is Iraq’s future is in its own hands. The bad news is Iraq’s future is in its own hands.
• The good news is Karl Rove is not going to be indicted in the Valerie Plame case. The bad news is Joe Wilson got his hands on some curare.
• The good news is the Republican Pary won the special election for Duke Cunningham’s 50th Congressional District in San Diego. The bad news is they had to spend the GNP of Estonia to do it.
• The good news is Bill Frist’s gay marriage amendment went down in flames. The bad news is the flames are being put out by the drool dripping out of his mouth just thinking of the flag burning amendment in his back pocket.
• The good news is we've uncovered a new tactic of Al Qaeda: asymmetrical warfare. The bad news is the three guys at Guantanamo Bay who introduced it aren't able to tell us where to send the royalty checks.
• The good news is Abu Musag Al Zarkawi is dead. The bad news is 72 virgins in heaven just filed a restraining order.
• The good news is Senate Democrats have scuttled a Republican attempt to eliminate the estate tax. The bad news is their kids are really pissed off.
• The good news is Michael Chertoff has determined New York City is without any national monuments and therefore safe from terrorism. The bad news is Michael Chertoff gets to determine anything.
• The good news is US President Bush has resolved to stop taunting the world at large with his tough guy he-man posturing. The bad news is Iranian President Ahmadinejad is taunting the world at large with his tough guy he-man posturing.
• The good news is failure is not an option. The bad news is it's a factory installed standard feature.
• The good news is the President got a Zarkawi bounce. The bad news is it's not as high as Zarkawi’s body actually bounced.
• The good news is President Bush got to look Nouri Al Maliki eye to eye. The bad news is Nouri Al Maliki has to sleep with a chicken foot under his pillow to counter the curse of the evil eye.
• The good news is Tiger Woods is back on the PGA Tour. The bad news is he's playing like me.
• The good news is US air carriers are expected to be more crowded this summer than any time since 9-11. The bad news is one more cut in service and they’ll have to tear out the seats.
Comic, writer, actor, radio talk show host, sun worshiper Will Durst thinks he could fit in the overhead compartment.
Catch Durst in stand up mode Sunday June 18th as part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters benefit at COPIA. And in radio talk show host mode on Keeping it Real With Will & Willie. Monday through Friday. 7- 10am. PDT. On KQKE. 960 AM. The QUAKE. San Francisco. Or listen long distance @ quakeradio.com.
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Will Durst is America's premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read, or know someone who does." For more on Will, visit his web site.