January 16, 2006
The Shameless and The Spineless
by Will Durst
This Is CNN.
We now return to the Supreme Court Justice Confirmation Hearings live from the Senate. While we were away, the Judge's wife was placed on a stretcher and whisked out of the Committee room after bursting into tears during the questioning of her husband. She will also be tested for rabies after accidentally brushing the arm of Democratic Senator Joe Biden. The Republican Chairman of the Judicial Committee is about to reconvene the proceedings by asking a question of Justice Samuel Alito.
Order. Order. First off, Justice Alito, let me just say that I've already made up my mind that you're a fine fine man and will make an exemplary justice, and nothing you say is going to change my mind, outside of calling for the overthrow of the country by Michael Moore. And even that is just a maybe. (Laughter) I also want to say I think you've handled yourself with an aplomb that any reasonable person would expect of a justice of your extreme moderate temperament, even in the face of mean, rotten, radical out-of-the-mainstream liberal questions. Biased partisan questions from extremist jackals who have sunk to the level of trying to take you to task for belonging to a harmless fraternity group in college which you don't even remember joining not to mention making your wife cry for which I assure you, they will burn in the fires of hell. Now I will ask some necessary questions I'm sure the American people want to hear. And I warn you sir, these will not be softballs. I intend to ask some tough ones. Are you ready?
Yes sir, I think I am. Ask away.
All right then. Justice Alito: do you think the American Justice system is a good system?
Why yes Senator, I think it is the best system in the world.
And are you basically a good person?
Well Senator, I certainly hope so.
And the flag?
It's a grand old flag.
You're not a bigot are you Justice Alito?
No sir, I'm not.
No, you certainly aren't, and if you had to describe yourself, would you say you are predominantly pro-good and anti-bad, or pro-bad and anti-good?
Well, sir, I would describe myself as mostly being pro-bad and anti-good.
I'm sorry, I mean the other way around. I'm just a little nervous here.
Totally understandable. I think we all would be a little nervous in your position. Especially with so many partisan jackals lined up to nip at your distinguished heels. Well, I must say, you've answered all my questions with deference and clarity. I haven't heard anything here that's going to change my mind. And may I say sir, I'm sure I speak not just for myself but for all the people of my great state that many prayers will be said for your wife to recover from her tragic experience.
Thank you Senator.
This meeting is adjourned.
Well, there's a surprise. It seems the Democrats have given up their right to ask Justice Alito any further questions and they are now all lying slumped over the Committee table like their spines have been literally torn from their bodies. Hmm. Well, that's it from here. Lets go back to the studio where Anderson Cooper will be interviewing Angelina Jolie's ex housekeeper to find out what Brad Pitt likes to put on his cornflakes, and it's not what you think.
This Is CNN.
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Political Comedian Will Durst also wonders what Brad Pitt puts on his cornflakes.
Don't forget the Will & Willie Show. Monday through Friday. 7- 10am. KQKE. 960 AM. The QUAKE. San Francisco. Or quakeradio.com.
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Will Durst is America's premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read, or know someone who does." For more on Will, visit his web site.