December 12, 2005
White House Report Card
by Will Durst
The bipartisan 9/11 Commission released a report card on the administration’s efforts in the wake of the 9/11 attacks and to say the news wasn’t good is like saying abandoned mine fields make for lousy hot air balloon staging grounds. George Bush ought to thank his lucky stars he doesn’t have to take this report card home to Poppy and Babs, because I’m betting he’d be grounded for at least a semester and have the keys to his Porsche 944 turned over to Jeb. Needless to say this is not the kind of card that greases the skids for entrance into Yale but that never bothered a Bush. Come to think of it, I’m sure this kind of thing has happened before. 1 A, 12 Bs, 9 Cs, 12 Ds, 5 Fs and 2 incompletes. A C- average. Half a grade below the C student Bush proudly calls himself. But this report was strictly focused on the Administration’s response to 911. The Commission totally ignored other areas of the job. So, in the interest of a more informed nation, and a fully rebuked President, I’m here to do the rigorous work of finishing off the Bush Administration’s Report Card.
IRAQ. F. Got us a new strategy for victory. Apparently our old strategy for victory was defective. You know what? Custer had a strategy for victory too.
ECONOMY. A. Everything’s just ducky if you’re an oil company executive.
ECONOMY D-. Not as ducky for those of us who aren’t oil company executives.
TECHNOLOGY. C. Due to the diligence of our intrepid Vice President, incredible strides continue to be made in the development of military craft and weaponry.
IMMIGRATION. C. A mixed bag. Thousands of Mexicans continue to stream north across the Rio Grande looking for decent paying jobs while at the same time thousands of Americans continue to stream north across the Canadian border looking for inexpensive pharmaceuticals and health care.
TORTURE. F. Administration promotes most torture friendly atmosphere since William Shatner ended his singing career.
ETHICS. D. Would have been an F, but the main reason its mostly Republicans caught taking bribes is nobody wants to bribe a Democrat, because they can’t get anything done.
EMERGENCY RESPONSE. F-. Wasn’t aware New Orleans levees were at risk. My Aunt Hoogolah in Rhinelander, Wisconsin knew. Didn’t know refugees were huddled in darkness of the New Orleans Convention Center. Anderson Cooper knew. Hell, he probably turned out the lights.
CRONYISM. F. Like most Bush appointees, FEMA head, Michael Brown, couldn’t distinguish his ass from yellow paint.
UNITING AMERICA. F. Because of him, this country is more polarized than a pawn in a poorly manufactured magnetic chess set. Inspired large groups of Christians to speak out against tolerance. Hope he’s proud.
ORIGINALITY. D. President obviously copied directly from Dick Cheney’s foreign policy homework assignment.
EDUCATION. D. Encouraging continued Republican hold over Congress and White House by refusing to fund his education reforms.
JOBS. D. American job market is imploding. Only growth industry is bankruptcy lawyers.
TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS. Unsatisfactory. Goes so far in allowing industry lobbyists to write legislation, there’s a tasseled loafer repair shop in the basement of the White House.
PENMANSHIP. Satisfactory. Pleasant cursives in his autopen signature.
WORKS WELL WITH OTHERS. Unsatisfactory. Appoints John Bolton as US Ambassador to the UN. A man, who is to diplomacy what Oscar Wilde was to whitewater rafting.
Political Comic Will Durst feels like a pawn in a poorly manufactured Civil War magnetic chess set.
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Will Durst is America's premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read, or know someone who does." For more on Will, visit his web site.