FAQ: Plan for Victory
by Will Durst
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH'S PLAN FOR VICTORY.
Q. President Bush recently announced his "PLAN FOR VICTORY." What does
this plan entail?
A. It's two pronged. There is a short term plan and a
long term plan.
Q. And what are they?
A. The short term plan is to keep the Democrats
from regaining control of Congress in 06.
Q. And the long term plan?
A. Keeps the Democrats from regaining control
of the White House in 08. Or acquires photographs of Hillary Clinton
in bed with a goat and/or a woman.
Q. So, nothing about Iraq then?
A. Well, now that you mention it... there
was something about the brave freedom loving Iraqis and how together,
we are winning the tough struggle
against violent extremism, but it was just more of the same in an attempt
to rescue his poll numbers from falling through the floor like an anvil
made of dark matter.
Q. What is the PLAN FOR VICTORY going to replace?
A. The PLAN FOR QUAGMIRE
we've been following the last three years.
Q. Didn't he reveal a strategy
A. Yeah, but, you know what, so do the Chicago Cubs. Every
spring. Don't imagine election bound Republicans are looking forward
to changing their
slogan to: "We'll get 'em next year."
Q. What is their slogan now?
A. Lately, it seems to be "Incompetent Corrupt
Cronies 'R Us."
Q. Didn't he also refuse to set a timetable for withdrawal saying it
would send a message to the world that America was weak?
A. Yes, he did.
So apparently he's okay with continuing to send a message to the world
that America is a big bad bully who will beat the crap out
of you if we don't like the way you look at us.
Q. Don't we run the danger of alienating our allies if we just cut and
A. Cut and run? There's no running. This isn't running. This is walking.
Backwards. Really fast backward walking. Who knows, we might even walk
backwards really fast right into Iran or Syria.
Q. How does the President define victory?
A. According to a separate
35 page document accompanying the speech, titled "National Strategy for
Victory in Iraq," victory means creating
the conditions that allow us to leave.
Q. Is he saying that getting out of Iraq is our only path to victory?
No. No. No. A lot of victories await us. Tiny victories and little victories
and medium sized victories. Not to say we haven't experienced
victories already. A couple tiny victories, a moral victory and an election
victory. And if we string a bunch of these little victories together,
it could add up to a nice medium sized victory. Or a gaggle of little
victories and a medium victory or a series of medium victories coupled
with one or two moral victories could add up to a big victory. And two
or three big victories could result in a humongous victory.
Q. What is that?
A. A Republican victory. In November 06 and 08.
Q. What is the best case scenario?
A. We try to incubate democracy in
the Mideast and whenever the political costs at home get too high, we
declare victory and leave, leaving our
secret prison camps intact.
Political comic Will Durst is declaring victory over his comedy club
* * *
Will Durst is America's
premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read,
or know someone who does." For more