November 24, 2005
by Will Durst
Aaah. Thanksgiving.The very bestest holiday of them all. Food, family, football: three of the four Fs. Not to mention 4-story tall helium balloons on rope tethers. What a day. 40-foot cartoon characters, tryptophane overdosing, lime Jello with carrot shreds AND a chance to see the Dallas Cowboys lose? Where's the bad? The good news is that right now it's not that difficult to come up with a list of what to be thankful for. You start with the old standbys: a wonderful family, good health, odd friends and the fact that we're Americans and don't have to worry about the President calling in an airstrike and bombing us…... yet. Then you move on to the obvious. Anchor Steam Christmas Ale and double cheeseburgers on a butter grilled bun. But in these troubling times its also important to look beyond our personal cubicles and find the universal threads that weave together to make up the fabric of our lives. I have no idea what that meant either. Mostly its just a segue into a list of other things we should all be thankful for. "We" meaning that highly influential splinter group encompassing political comedians and editorial cartoonists.
China. For its status as a safe publicity haven for any politician sinking in the polls faster than a gravel truck with no brakes off a hairpin cliff turn into a mountain lake. Re: November trips for both California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and President George W Bush.
France. Because now the French are revolting. But that's redundant, isn't it?
Robert Novak for his inability to keep a low profile since leaking the name of CIA agent, Valerie Plame. Does the term "hubris" have any meaning here?
Our State Department for invading a country based on the ramblings of a source the CIA nicknamed "Curveball."
Corporate marketers for their conspicuous patriotic refusal to infringe on the sanctity of the Fourth of July by delaying the start of their Christmas campaigns until early August.
The 23rd Amendment for prohibiting this President from serving more than two terms.
Vice President Cheney for his epic condescension. A man without whom we would never be cognizant of the subtle intricacies of the concept of "compassionate torture."
President Bush for his use of the tactic of "stonewalling," washing all us Boomers in a nostalgic wave of a better time.
The Administration for wanting to have their turkey and eat it, too. Swift Boating anybody who dares suggest we leave Iraq, then having generals leak plans to do the exact same thing.
Karl Rove, Scott McLellan and Scooter Libby for their unceasing and continuing efforts to stretch the bounds of human incredulity. And, oh yeah, let's not forget Tom DeLay and Bill Frist. And Pat Robertson. And the entire Executive Branch. And every Democrat breathing save Congressman John Murtha. I salute each and every one of these gentle people for their part in making us rethink on a daily basis exactly how much crap we're willing to swallow to keep our SUVs full of gas.
Congress. For the construction of a Prescription Medicare plan just a wee bit murkier than the instructions for a wire bookcase translated from the original Mandarin into Sanskrit before being printed on grey paper with insufficient toner in something resembling English. A little.
Lobbyist Jack Abramoff for the pure chutzpa of convincing an Indian tribe to pay for his FedEx Stadium luxury suite to watch the Redskins play.
Will Durst had his turkey and ate it, too. And it was good.
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Catch Durst at The Chandelier Ballroom in Hartford, Wisconsin this Saturday night, and at Zanies in downtown Chicago all next week.
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Will Durst is America's premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read, or know someone who does." For more on Will, visit his web site.