October 17, 2005
The Stealth Judge
by Will Durst
Can someone please have the simple common human decency to help me understand why all the usual suspects on both sides of the aisle are on such a high twitch concerning the Harriet Miers nomination to the Supreme Court? As a liberal hearing that Charles Krauthammer has contempt for her appointment, my first reaction would be "hey, sign her on, she's my kind of woman."
Besides, isn't it kind of "neat" the President picked someone who thought he was "cool?" That's what Ms Miers called the President. She also said; "He is the smartest man I've ever met," which is, admittedly, a bit disquieting. Makes you wonder just how many gentlemen the lady has actually met in her life. I'm guessing a number in the low double digits. 30 tops. A majority of whom must have been encountered at bus shelters on the way to Rocky Mountain Oyster eating competitions.
Defending the selection of his longtime personal consultant, President Bush said; "I picked the best person I could find," which begs the question of how hard he was looking. Perhaps it was part of his famous multi-tasking philosophy and he went with the best person he could find while still hanging on to the leash walking his dog in the Rose Garden. Or maybe it was one of his charming country boy practical joke searches and she was the best person he could find blindfolded on his hands and knees in 20 minutes. Or it was a test of the emergency justice network and at the sound of Dick Cheney making "whoop whoop" noises, he went with the best person within range of the Oval Office cordless phone. Who knows, maybe she won a spot check of the cleanest tray in the White House Mess and an appointment to the Supreme Court was first place.
White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan acknowledged a few candidates pulled their names from consideration due to the nature of the confirmation process. This is a shame because one of them apparently was a better "best person" than Miers if not the bestest "best person" Bush could find. But their demurrance is totally understandable, since all DC confirmations these days are akin to throwing raw meat between cranky lion cages. McClellan said "it was just a couple of people" who asked their names be withdrawn, but Scott has been known to be a bit unreliable concerning his grasp of figures, so some people are questioning whether his "couple" might actually mean 142. Okay, the some people are me, but still.
Slapping at the feistiest Dobermans nipping at his far right flank, the President got Conservative broadcaster James C. Dobson to announce he supported Miers based on "things that I know, that I probably shouldn't know." Ooh, that's good. Super secret double cryptic wisdom. Unimpeachable confidentiality. From Bush or God himself, doesn't matter, since one channels the other these days. Which way the direction flows is a subject still up for debate.
Harriet Miers' major qualifications seem to be loyalty and friendship, which sounds more like a background check for First Pet, but he's the President. He gets to pick. Since she describes herself as a born again Christian Evangelical, I'm sure he considers her stealth stance on Roe vs Wade to be a slam dunk, but the wearing of the robes does funny things to a person. Although she claims not to have an opinion on abortion rights. Unh- hunh. Yeah, I believe that. The same way I believe those lions lack an opinion on that meat.
Political comic Will Durst likes his raw meat cooked.
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Will Durst is America's premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read, or know someone who does." For more on Will, visit his web site.