Frequently Asked Questions: Cindy Sheehan --
by Will Durst
Q. So who exactly is this Peace Mom woman anyway?
A. Cindy Sheehan is a 48 year old from Vacaville, California, who, in response
to losing her son Casey in Iraq is selfishly attempting to horde the honor
of being a gold star mother all to herself.
A. She's against the war.
Q. Oh, okay, so why the hell is she hunkered down in a ditch outside
the Texas White House bothering the President during his vacation?
A. Vacation? 35 days is not a vacation. 35 days is a sabbatical. 35 days is
a retreat. Its five weeks. 36 hours short of a tenth of a year. Longer than
the gestation period of most mammals. Where's my 35 day vacation? Where's
your 35 day vacation? Where's the American public's 35 day vacation?
Q. Good point, but that wasn't the question.
A. I'm sorry, got a bit worked up there. What was the question
Q. What's she doing there?
A. She's camped outside the President's ranch to to meet
with him and she vows to stay until he tells her exactly what noble cause
her son died for. And she doesn't want to hear "Operation
2 Bucks A Gallon."
Q. Wouldn't you think a President this media savvy would just
invite her inside for some cookies and lemonade and get it over with?
A. My theory is he's spent too much time grilling cheese sandwiches on
the hood of his pickup and might be suffering from heat stroke. Besides, what
kind of a man takes his family to Crawford Texas for a vacation?
Q. Are you saying West Texas in August is not what you call your garden
A. I'm saying it's real similar to hell and that's assuming
hell has winged insects the size of footstools.
Q. How has the conservative media responded?
A. You mean the right wing smear machine?
A. Bill O'Reilly jumped on Ms. Sheehan like a irritable gorilla
stomping the air out of an inflatable life raft in order to fit it in
the back of an overstuffed Cadillac Escalade.
Q. Any specific accusations?
A. You could say that. You could also say porcupine pelts make substandard
day care pillows. Cindy Sheehan has been accused of everything from
unpaid parking tickets to the ultimate treasonous act -- association
with Michael Moore. Won't be long before rumors of a lesbian
relationship with Hillary Clinton emerge.
Q. What about the claims that Ms. Sheehan has become a tool of the left?
A. A tool of the left. That's a laugh. Fox News calling Cindy Sheehan
a political tool. A lot like a rattlesnake calling a scorpion noxious. Or a
White House official complaining about the smearing of Karl Rove. You can't
make stuff up like this.
Q. Any comment on the criticisms that the protest has morphed from a
lonely vigil into pretty much just another gathering of the usual suspects?
A. Last I looked, Jesse Jackson hadn't yet made an appearance.
Q. Any other notables expected to appear?
A. With gas approaching three bucks a gallon, its only a matter of time
before a parading convoy of SUV owners pitching gravel into each other's
windshields join the protests outside Bush's ranch.
comic Will Durst wonders if Crawford, Texas has any decent barbecue.
And if they deliver.
* * *
Will Durst is America's
premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read,
or know someone who does." For more