Frequently Asked Questions About the President's
Social Security Reform
by Will Durst
Q. So what’s going on with that whole privatization of Social
Security thing these days?
A. Excuse me, but its that whole PERSONALIZATION of Social Security thing
Q. What’s the difference?
A. Nothing really. The second one tested better. Privatize- bad. Personalize-
good. Liberate - gooder. Lottery win- goodest.
Q. Why does everyone have big beige banana bugs up their butt over the
President’s plans to finally fix Social Security?
A. A lot of Baby Boomers think of this fix as the same kind of fix a Veterinarian
performs on a dog.
Q. What do they think Bush is trying to turn Social Security into?
A. Something not very social and no longer secure.
Q. What about the Wall Street investment dealie part?
A. Dealie part?
Q. You know what I mean.
A. Since the Dow is down about 10% for the year, its been sort of put
on the back burner.
Q. How far back?
A. Way back next to the capture of Osama.
Q. Wow, that far? When was it exactly the Baby Boomers decided to grow
up and get old?
A. Don’t know. I guess someone must have convinced them “old
is the new black.” Of course we are talking about free money here.
Which could raise the blood pressure of anybody, much less a Grandma wearing
a “ White Snake” t- shirt. You ever mistakenly take some blue
hair’s nickel slot seat?
Q. But don’t these greedy- geezers- to- be agree Social Security
is in deep doo doo and needs to be shored up?
A. Well, yeah, I guess, but you got to remember, Bush’s Clear Skies
Bill allows for more pollution and his Healthy Forests Initiative encourages
logging, so you can understand how folks might tend to worry that the real
goal of his Social Security Reform is less old people.
Q. What kind of ideas are being implemented in Bush’s recently
released reform package?
A. Mostly the plan is to forestall future cuts in benefits by cutting benefits
in the future. Democrats call it a benefit cut. Republicans call it a cut
in the growth rate of benefits. But I think there are maybe 80 other ways
to throw benefit and cuts into the same sentence so we’re not done
here. We might even see “bene cutifits,” which probably means “above
average salami pants” in Italian.
Q. But doesn’t the Administration maintain these benefit cuts
are designed only to affect the wealthy?
A. Well, yeah, but according to the specifics of the plan, “wealthy” is
defined as anybody making over 20 grand a year. Which means that a greeter
at Wal- Mart or the kid behind the counter asking “you want lids on these?” is
a member of the financial elite in Bush’s America.
Q. What happens if Social Security is allowed to fail?
A. Then we’ll just have to return Bush’s sepia toned vision
of an olden timey America that people lived in before being enveloped
into Roosevelt’s Social Security straight jacket.
Q. Which is what?
A. Faith based retirement.
Will Durst may not be old enough to retire
but some of his bones are starting to feel like it.
* * *
Will Durst is America's
premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read,
or know someone who does." For more