Will Durst

May 4, 2005

Satan's Filibuster

by Will Durst

Hey, you crazy faithful, how bout a hand for the Doctor Senator Reverend Indian Chief Bill Frist. Could that guy sweet talk the chrome off the bumper of a 57 Ford or what? And one more time for little Bonita Gonzalez for channeling the Spirit of Ronald Reagan. Should have trusted the Lord to find a way for the Great Communicator to lend a hand in our just cause. And while you’re at it, give yourselves a huge hand for not staying home and watching "Davey and Goliath" but filling the Sugar Bowl in TODAY’S NATIONALLY TELEVISED JUSTICE SUNDAY RALLY 2 SPONSORED BY EXXON-MOBIL! A follow up, or should I say a sequel, to our fabulously successful first Justice Sunday Rally, which frightened the liberal media like a little schoolgirl with hairy spiders down her pants.

And just why are the liberals frightened? Yes, of course, because they’re doomed to spend all of eternity in damnation, but also because they’re afraid of God’s righteous retribution. Afraid of the resolve and conviction the Lord filled us with in our triumphant crusade to wrestle the devil’s pitchfork, the filibuster, to the ground. Afraid of getting their asses kicked in the 06 midterm elections just as sure as God made little acorns to grow up into mighty oaks and topple over onto the picnic blankets of the godless pinning them to the ground in writhing agony. Afraid that George Bush will appoint more judges that are too conservative. Too conservative? What does that mean, ladies and gentlemen? Its like saying the sky is too blue. Or the grass is too green. Or Dennis Hastert is too bland.

Today’s JUSTICE SUNDAY RALLY 2 is a celebration of the destruction of the judicial tyranny that kept Beelzebub’s foot on the neck of people of faith: Satan’s Filibuster. But we can never get so comfortable that we think our job here is done. So let us turn our attention to other forms of repression the inhuman hater of life utilizes to grease the skids for him and his cloven hoofed brethren in Washington and Hollywood. Including but not limited to:

• The so- called Miranda Law. If the guilty really want to know their rights, all they need do is read the Bible. I suggest the unabridged books-on-tape version read by Charlton Heston. His Leviticus rocks.

• That whole "innocent before proven guilty" silliness. A truly spiritual man should be able to tell who’s guilty just by looking at them.

• Perhaps its time to rethink that term "innocent"? Rather outdated, isn’t it; for in God’s Eyes, aren’t we all sinners?

• Habeus corpus. You want to know if someone is imprisoned lawfully? The Lord will tell you when someone is imprisoned lawfully. You’ll meet them in hell.

• The 1st Amendment, which we intend to change to: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, EXCEPT THE ONE TRUE RELIGION, WHICH IS ALLOWED TO SMITE ALL OTHER MAJOR RELIGIOUS BUTT, SINCE THEY’RE DOOMED TO SPEND ALL OF ETERNITY IN DAMNATION ANYWAY."

Also, we’ll take a few shots at activist school boards and anybody who makes fun of Rick Santorum’s hair. But first, let’s welcome Tom DeLay who will explain how to find Satan’s secret subliminal messages in the New York Times.

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Political comic Will Durst keeps looking for Satan’s secret subliminal messages in Rick Santorum’s hair. He is America's premier political comedian and writes "comedy for people who read, or know someone who does." For more on Will, visit his web site.