December 20, 2002
Trent Lott - Coming Attractions
BUZZFLASH READER SATIRE
Dear BuzzFlash Readers:
Unfortunately I wasn't smart enough to watch Trent Lott's interview on BET. Who know it would be so entertaining? Thanks to The Daily Show for coverage far superior to that of the mainstream mediawhores.
It was absolutely surreal seeing Lott proclaim that not only did he believe in the concept of affirmative action, he actually practiced it. To his credit, the person interviewing Lott was knowledgeable, prepared and absolutely unflinching. (Note to Barbara Walters and Larry King: this is how it should be done, you morons.) He managed to keep a straight face during Lott's preposterous claims and followed up on each such assertion with more questions showing how outrageous and outlandish Lott's statements were. I do not know the name of this marvelous interviewer, but could we please put him in the Senate and make him the Democratic leader?
Anyway, I know all BuzzFlash readers, like me, do not want to miss another minute of the Trent Lott Minstrel Show. Lucky for us, Miz Cleo gave me her unlisted number before the feds shut her down, so I contacted her to get a list of all of Trent's upcoming appearances. Although his appearance on BET didn't go so well, you will see from the following list that he is sparing no effort in seeking to broaden his base of support.
On Monday, he will appear on Oprah. Miz Cleo swears that he will make his appearance wearing, in lieu of his usual helmet-hair toupee, one of those big old Afros that were so popular back in the seventies. In a sort of reverse "Color of Water," Trent will present Oprah with documents purporting to show that his great-great grandpa was African.
Then on Tuesday, he will appear on Telemundo, where he will present documentation that his great-great grandma was Hispanic.
On Wednesday, he appears on Dr. Phil, where he will assert that not only is he Black/Hispanic, he is also gay. Miz Cleo tells me that to prove his point, he will at some time in the show make a pass at Dr. Phil. She says this will not fool the gay community, any more than his prior efforts did the Black and Hispanic communities, but he will at least get an invite to the next Log Cabin republican meeting (or Lincoln Log republicans, or whatever they call themselves).
Still not ready to give up, in an effort to gain support from women, he will appear on Jerry Springer on Thursday and assert that not only is he a Black/Hispanic gay person, but he is in reality a woman and has just been dressing like a man for the past forty or so years, or however long it has been since he was a cheerleader at Ole Miss.
Then he will end the week with a special appearance Friday on Fox where he will be interviewed by Sean Hannity and will claim that not only is he a Black/Hispanic cross-dressing gay woman, but a few years ago he was sexually harassed by Bill Clinton.
Unfortunately for Trent, this last claim goes awry and causes his downfall. It seems that when Bill Clinton's name is mentioned, the slimy Ken Starr comes running onto the set and demands to be reappointed to the special prosecutor's office. While the American public may think an unwarranted war with Iraq is just fine and dandy, the prospect of another dose of Ken Starr proves to be more than they will bear. Republican poll numbers start dropping like the temperature in Duluth, Minnesota, on a January night.
Seeing their ill-gotten gains about to slip out of their grasp, the corporate owners of George W. Bush realize they need to get Lott out of the public eye pronto. They send operatives from the Department of Homeland Security to arrest him for terrorism (they have documentation that his great-great-great grandpa was an A-rab). He is then taken before a secret tribunal which finds him guilty, and he is stashed away in the Bush Gulag for the rest of his life, never to be heard from again.
Then in a stunning move, the Gang of Five on the Supreme Court realize this is a good time to consolidate power. They issue an order finding that they have preemptively counted the votes for Senate Majority Leader and, just like in the 2000 presidential race, the winner is George W. Bush, who will henceforth hold the two offices simultaneously. Since to address him as Mr. President and Majority Leader Bush is much too unwieldy, the Court further decrees that Bush will hereafter be addressed as "His Excellency" or "Mein Furher," depending on your personal preference.
Which brings us back to The Daily Show and those prophetic words of Stephen Colbert: Welcome to the police state, my friends.
Best regards (and watch out for that Gulag),
Callie Coe Catt
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