BuzzFlash Reader Satire
November 11, 2002
BUZZFLASH READER SATIRE
The following Bush Cartel Agenda for 2003 was found on a computer disk that was accidentally left behind in a washroom at an exclusive, white-males-only country club in Georgia, where Karl Rove had just delivered a private talk to $100,000 and over Republican donors. The title of the speech was “The Bush Administration Affirmative Action Agenda for Christian White Males.” BuzzFlash understands Mr. Rove spoke with the Confederate Flag as a backdrop. Invited GOP guests were told to leave their white sheets at home, but a White House spokesperson could not explain why the center pieces at each table were apparently miniature burning crosses, supplied by the Georgia Republican Party headed by Ralph Reed.
BuzzFlash received an exclusive summary of the speech’s contents from a source who wishes to remain anonymous, but is known to us as BuzzFlash Reader AL (AKA, A Loner).
1. The Family Violence Protection Act: authorizes a family of four to take tax credits for the cost of three hand guns and two semiautomatic rifles every other year.
2. The 2003 Innovative Job Creation Act: increases the standard deduction for a married woman who quits her job in order to care for her children and thereby creates a job vacancy for an unemployed male.
3. The Natural Sexuality Anti-Discrimination Act: adds heterosexuality to the list of protected classes under Title VII of Civil Rights Act of 1964, thereby prohibiting discrimination against heterosexuals in employment and public accommodations.
4. The White Male Reparations Act: legalizes affirmative action (including quotas) to encourage the hiring and promotion of more white males in public and private employment thereby compensating for years of discrimination against white males as a result of illegal hiring preferences for minorities and women. (Also, permits state and local governments to adopt preferential contracting policies favoring white male startup companies to encourage the reinvigoration of white male entrepreneurship.)
5. The Homes for the Homeless Compassionate Conservative Bill of Rights: insures every homeless person in the US the right to emigrate from the US and provides one time, one-way tickets to the country of their choice.
6. The Global Warming Anticipation Protection Act: recognizing the danger that global warming will raise sea levels and flood Boston, New York City, much of New Jersey and the Northern California coast, the populations of those bastions of liberalism will be relocated and dispersed to heavily Republican areas where their votes can no longer do any harm.
7. The Hate Crimes Act of 2003: recognizing the hostile environment facing corporations in the world today, this bill (a) augments penalties for Hate Crimes against corporate entities or their officers and (b) creates a new civil action against individuals engaged in the "malicious slander" of business corporations, their CEOs and other high corporate officials.
8. The Big Oil Regulatory Privatization Act of 2003: reduces red tape and federal bureaucracy by transferring the responsibility for enforcement of worker health and safety laws and of environmental protection laws directly to employees of the oil companies themselves thereby permitting the downsizing of OSHA and the EPA.
9. The Anti-Terrorism Amendment to the Freedom of Information Act: authorizes federal agencies to require, in their discretion, that individuals with the audacity to request governmental information under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) first consent to an FBI background check, including a polygraph.
10. The Faith in Faith Religious Freedom and Health Act: eliminates the official prejudice against prayer based healing by shifting 40% of the budget of the National Institute of Health to the study and promotion of healing based on the laying on of hands (and insuring fair and full coverage for such healing by Medicare and Medicaid).
11. The George W. Bush Higher Education Act: requires colleges and universities receiving federal funds to recognize study outside of Texas as a junior year abroad.
12. The Good Times Coming National Preparation Act: reassigns funds from the CDC and from the National Park Service to a major study of and preparation for the return of Jesus Christ which, with the Iraq War and Armageddon on the Horizon, is now expected to occur shortly after the 2004 reelection of George W. Bush, thus uniting, for all eternity, the Second Coming and the Second Term.
All BuzzFlash can say is: “God Bless the next 100 days of George W. Bush, and God Protect us all.”
BUZZFLASH READER SATIRE
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