BuzzFlash Reader Satire
October 11, 2002
America’s "Rush to War" Voluntary Enlistment of Self or Family Member
BuzzFlash Reader Satire
This is an emergency. We are calling on all Americans who feel that we are in immediate danger of being attacked by Iraq to volunteer themselves or their loved ones to fight on the front lines in Baghdad prior to the November election.
This is a voluntary militia for all pro-war advocates or for people who are "too busy to care" what happens with their country.
** Requirements **
1. Must be able to sacrifice your life or your loved one's life.
2. Must be able to deal with own conscience if women and children are killed by unfriendly fire. Note: Women and children that are killed are most likely not American women and children, but it could happen.
3. Must be able to deal with conscience if Iraqis are killed at a rate of 100 to 1 over enemy. Note: You or your loved one must be prepared to be the "1" American.
4. Must provide own weapons; will except any caliber. We will not check registration. NRA members especially welcome.
5. Must be able to leave job or school in order to serve.
6. Must supply own uniform. There is not time nor money to fit you properly prior to war. Any earth tones with shades of desert sand will do. No orange hunting vest or caps allowed. Any helmets will do -- we recommend taking the face masks off of football helmets (a slight disadvantage in hand-to-hand combat, but better for aiming weapons). You will be given a number to iron on your uniform, prior to leaving, for identification purposes in the event of your or your loved one's death. Ski goggles for sand storms are optional.
7. Must initially be able to work with little or no pay. If you or your loved one is still alive after the war, please submit time sheets, in triplicate, to: George Bush, c/o The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, DC, 20500. Unfortunately, surviving family members will not receive any pay earned by non-surviving members.
8. Must not complain about physical requirements. Additionally, physical handicaps will not provide an exemption from service, including, but not limited to, excessive age or weight, cysts (including "anal"), reduced lung capacity, or poor sight or hearing.
** Special Privileges to the Connected **
1. Easy front line access to anyone that "Loves America," but hates everyone else.
2. NRA members will also be given front line privileges.
3. Loved ones of politicians will receive free transportation to Baghdad.
4. An air-conditioned helicopter to the front lines will be provided for political commentators. Pizza will be served in route.
5. People with "other priorities" will receive help reprioritizing their lives and understanding what's really important. Serving on the front lines of the battle will also help expose the root of the problem -- their fear of getting shot or blown to pieces.
** Name of Volunteer **
Party affiliation (circle one): Democrat | Republican | Independent | To busy to care
Name of self, son, daughter, spouse or loved one that you would like to enlist:___________________________________________________
University (if applicable):__________________________________________________
Current Job (if applicable):_________________________________________________
Home Phone number:(_____)__________________
Cell phone number:(_____)__________________
** Voluntary "Rush to War" Pledge **
Please fill out form:
I, ________________________, will/will not show up for duty immediately to fight the war in Iraq on or before November 2, 2002.
2. My son, daughter, loved one, _____________________________ will show up on or before November 2, 2002. I promise not to back out at the last second. I promise to shoot as many Iraqis as I can, or my loved one will promise to do everything in this pledge.
3. I, or my loved one, am an American. I, or my loved one, am willing to die regardless of the threat to America. We do not need to have a clear reason to go to war. We believe everything that George Bush says.
Please sign below for self or loved one.
Please email response to email@example.com.
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