October 4, 2002

King Shrub News... Special Pre-War Edition

Fall, 2002,
David Spring, Editor

WAR IS GOOD FOR YOU by Donald Rumsfeld

A lot of chicken shit liberals are complaining about the upcoming war. They say it's too expensive and that the rest of the world is against us. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? The truth is war has a lot of benefits for US. For one thing, it allows our military to use up all their newest toys. We spend more on bombs than the next 10 nations combined. Why have all those weapons if you're not going to use them? And when you drop all those bombs, you have to replace them, which makes money for the large corporations we represent. There are also a lot of environmental benefits to attacking Iraq. If Chevron and Exxon gain control of the Iraqi oil fields, they won't be in such a hurry to drill in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge. Finally to those bleeding heart do-gooders that are concerned about a few thousand people getting killed, let me say this. Very few of them will be Americans, which are the only people that really count. Most of them will be Iraqis, which we all know are a bunch of terrorists who hate our guts. Why anyone would hate us is beyond me. But we shouldn't worry if a few of our enemies get killed. There are plenty more terrorists to take their place.

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Turn in a Terrorist by John Ashcroft

The government needs your help to identify and stop terrorists. Do you have a neighbor you don't like? Have they been acting suspiciously? Do they make negative comments about the Bush Administration? Perhaps they have a "Bush Knew" bumper sticker on their car. Are they opposed to our patriotic war on everybody? Feel free to call our hotline 1-800-BIG-BROTHER, and we'll come haul them away. We may already have more folks in prison than any other nation on earth, but there's always room for more.

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Protect Yourself from Terrorist Attacks by Dick Cheney

All those yellow alerts got you living in fear? Spend most of your free time hiding under your bed? Don't let our war on terrorism ruin your life. Do like I did and build yourself a bunker. Let's start with site selection. I chose a small mountain in Pennsylvania, but any mountain will do. You'll need a large backhoe and a few tons of dynamite to create a cavern big enough to live in. Line the cavern with concrete at least 10 feet thick. Be sure to reinforce it with plenty of high-gauge steel rebar. That'll keep out those nasty nuclear bombs. You'll also need a special police force to guard against those pesky peace protesters. Install a few phone lines connected to the White House and a big screen TV with a hi-tech remote control. Connect these to a series of satellites and you're all set to conduct an endless war from the comfort of your own living room.

Special Offer: Are you a retired Enron Executive?

My construction company, Hellwithbricks, will build you your own bunker complete with satellite system for only ten million dollars. Guaranteed to keep out bombs, protestors and Congressional investigators. Security police not included.

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How to Evade the Draft by GW Bush

I can't understand why everyone is so upset about my plan to re-institute the draft. How else are we going to wage war against several countries at the same time? But just because we are expanding our military doesn't mean you son has to go to war and get shot. Just do what my Dad did during the Vietnam War. He enlisted me in the Texas Air National Guard where I protected our southern border from an invasion by those dangerous Mexicans. It was great fun. I skipped out of my last two years. But that was only because they starting requiring drug tests of the pilots and I was so strung out on cocaine that I couldn't pass the test.

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BuzzFlash Reader Satire by David Spring

Be sure to encourage everyone to show up a peace rallies being held all over the nation this Sunday. They can get more info at VOTER MARCH EVENTS CALENDAR http://www.votermarch.org/events.htm. Keep up the good works.

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