Saving America

April 1, 2002

Depressed that the guy who came second won your last presidential election? Worried about rising unemployment and your economy? Frightened by the prospects of so many suicidal terrorists? Concerned that the insane religious right and big business have taken over your government? Upset that you're losing your constitutional rights?

Well, "help is on the way."

In an overwhelming majority vote, Can-a-duh has agreed to take you under our wing. You could either become the 11th province, the Province of America. Or, you could simply be one of our territories, The Southern Territory of Can-a-duh. As our only neighbour and best friend, we feel obligated to make this offer.

Mind, and while minimal, there are a few cultural differences you will have to accept. Firstly, the majority wins in all votes. That may seem strange to you, but we're going to have to insist on this.

Another change you may find strange, is that all cereal boxes must be half in French. This is part of our "don't ask, don't tell policy," because nobody really knows why. It's only important to know that cereal will cost a tad more and that you won't be able to read half of what's written on the box. Is this so bad?

You will also have to get used to money denominations being in different colours. Hey, everyone's played Monopoly before, so how hard can this be? And I'd be remiss if I didn't point out some slight adjustments in spelling. For example, you will now have to put the "u" back in honour and neighbour. Oh yeah, colour too. (No hidden meanings here, just a spelling heads up.)

Lastly, and certainly not the least important, you are going to have to learn the proper usage of the exclusive Canuck word, "eh." This simple word has multiple convenient uses for almost every imaginable situation. Imagine getting whacked on the head by a hockey stick. Can you think of a better response than, "EH"?

You meet someone familiar on the street but can't remember their name. What handles this embarrassing moment better than, "eh." Or, somebody cuts in front of you in a G. W. Bush-created unemployment line, a line you've been patiently standing in for three hours, what do you say?

Now you're getting it.

But before you get too comfortable with your Canuckish induction, let's be clear about one more thing. "About" really is pronounced "aboot." (Sorry, but there was no easy way to break that to you.)

Now, you are probably asking yourself, "what will we do with our present government?" Do you care? If it makes you feel any better, our Navy still has plenty of canoes without oars and we have some really, really big lakes.......eh?

We await your decision.

Coach
Head Guy
Department Of Consumer Nonsense
Can-a-duh

Standard Disclaimer: anyone reading anything more than humor into this, well, yer on yer own.

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