A BuzzFlash Reader Satire
A Memo To The Academy From Tom Ridge
March 28, 2002
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
1. Publicly apologize to General Ashcroft for the mean-spirited remark.
2. Sign a contract with FOX television to produce and televise your awards show next year. The program shall feature performances by military bands and you may allow any of the following talented entertainers to appear: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlton Heston, Drew Carey, Bo Derek, Rosie O'Donnell (as long as she leaves her "girlfriend" home), Pat Boone, Bruce Willis, and Tom Selleck. Film clips depicting American military victories will be permitted as well as documentary footage depicting Arabs as evil. All performers and members of the audience will be required to wear red-white-and-blue. No cleavage will be allowed. Ten minutes must be allocated for taped remarks by our supreme commandant Bush, to be followed by a ten-minute standing ovation. In addition to the National Anthem, the aforementioned bands may play "God Bless America" and "Onward Christian Soldiers." For comedic relief, unlimited anti-Clinton/Gore jokes will be permitted.
3. Enclosed you will find several scripts submitted by Republican writers that have been approved for filming within the next few months so that they may be eligible for next year's awards. I call your particular attention to "Soar Like an Eagle - The John Ashcroft Story," "A Beautiful Assault Rifle," and "Never in the Bedroom."
President, Vice President, and all of us here at the Office of Homeland
Security appreciate your cooperation. Any deviation from the "script"
I have outlined will be noted in the building.
* * *
was inspired by comments made by FOX TV's Neal Cavuto, who expressed outrage
yesterday that the Academy Awards program actually concerned itself with
Hollywood and the movies instead of the events of 9-11.
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otherwise noted, all original