A Memo To The Academy From Tom Ridge

March 28, 2002

TO: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
FROM: Tom Ridge, Homeland Security Director

It has come to my attention via the fine folks at FOX News that you devoted over four hours of prime Sunday viewing time to a celebration of Hollywood and the movies. The evildoers who threaten our country received nary a mention, and the victims of 9-11 received only a "moment" of silence. Further, the MC - described to me as a female,
black liberal with a Jewish-sounding name - chose to ridicule a dedicated public servant, Attorney General Ashcroft. Have you no shame?

After consulting with the President, the Vice President, and the cabinet; and in the interest of unity and patriotism, I am requiring you to do the following:

1. Publicly apologize to General Ashcroft for the mean-spirited remark.

2. Sign a contract with FOX television to produce and televise your awards show next year. The program shall feature performances by military bands and you may allow any of the following talented entertainers to appear: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlton Heston, Drew Carey, Bo Derek, Rosie O'Donnell (as long as she leaves her "girlfriend" home), Pat Boone, Bruce Willis, and Tom Selleck. Film clips depicting American military victories will be permitted as well as documentary footage depicting Arabs as evil. All performers and members of the audience will be required to wear red-white-and-blue. No cleavage will be allowed. Ten minutes must be allocated for taped remarks by our supreme commandant Bush, to be followed by a ten-minute standing ovation. In addition to the National Anthem, the aforementioned bands may play "God Bless America" and "Onward Christian Soldiers." For comedic relief, unlimited anti-Clinton/Gore jokes will be permitted.

3. Enclosed you will find several scripts submitted by Republican writers that have been approved for filming within the next few months so that they may be eligible for next year's awards. I call your particular attention to "Soar Like an Eagle - The John Ashcroft Story," "A Beautiful Assault Rifle," and "Never in the Bedroom."

The President, Vice President, and all of us here at the Office of Homeland Security appreciate your cooperation. Any deviation from the "script" I have outlined will be noted in the building.

Your partner in building a better homeland,

Tom Ridge

(Ghostwritten by BuzzFlash Reader HP Mecartea)

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It was inspired by comments made by FOX TV's Neal Cavuto, who expressed outrage yesterday that the Academy Awards program actually concerned itself with Hollywood and the movies instead of the events of 9-11.

HP Mecartea