A BuzzFlash Reader Satire
Because They're Not Like Us
February 27, 2002
Sometimes I wonder if freedom-loving Americans are aware of the yeoman's effort President Bush and Attorney General Ashcroft are expending to make our world a safer place. Accepting a mission from God to rid the world of evil is no small task. Those who complain about such a burden, or who criticize Bush for accepting it like a good soldier--or was it airman?--are traitors, pure and simple.
God's will is being done. Just look at what Bush has accomplished in a few short weeks -- he's liberated an entire nation from Muslim oppression. Those who remain are now free to rebuild their homes, bury the scattered body parts of their children and fling off their burkas...Praise the Lord!
As we speak, our revered leader has Iraq, Iran and North Korea--the feared "axis of evil"--in his crosshairs. The Lord God Himself has set Bush on this Crusade for Freedom, and Bush will not be diverted until he has stomped--like Texas anthills in the noonday sun--every last vestige of evil to dust. Let them scatter--there's nowhere to hide; no home to return to. Nothing awaits them but justice. Let's roll!
We can do our part here in the Homeland. We can--and should--do everything possible to make Ashcroft's job a little easier. We can help make our own communities and cities bastions of safety and freedom. This wonderful nation is a gift from God to people like us, and all our resources should be directed at saving it for those who love freedom. It's not enough to silence dissent. I agree with Reverend Ashcroft -- loony left-wing baby-killing commies who grumble among themselves clearly present a potential for pockets, or "cells" of evil, and should be dealt with accordingly.
Like Ashcroft says, we need to get rid of all the people in this country who are not like us. For starters, we need to sweep the homeless flotsam off the streets--they're a blight on the bright and shiny face of the home of the brave; the land of the free.
It is my fervent hope that cities throughout our blessed Homeland will follow the lead of San Francisco, whose hard-working Americans are cleaning up the filth and clutter that homeless crackheads, winos and shiftless hookers leave in their wake.
Last week on television, I watched that city's freedom fighters wrest overflowing shopping carts from the grasping fingers of these homeless wastrels--I cheered as they tossed out the vermin-infested heaps and tatters that these pitiless creatures whine are, "all my worldly goods." I wept with joy as they scrubbed down the streets so the whole city will shine like a dime in a goat's ass. That's a good thing--praise the Lord! I only pray that other cities within our blessed Homeland follow Frisco's lead to make America clean--and safe--for freedom-loving people like us...
So, what will the homeless do? Stripped of their cardboard boxes, their shopping-cart homes--where will they go? Well, DUH--if they weren't too lazy to work, they'd have jobs, now wouldn't they? After all, this IS the Land of Opportunity. Hard-working people like us are tired of a bunch of ragged-ass bums feeding on the soft underbelly of our success. They should thank God they live in a country that values freedom--the freedom to work; to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps; the freedom to throw away the wine bottles and crack--to turn away from the plush life of prostitution...the freedom to "just say no..."
We have to think about what's good for our children, and our children's children. Like Bush said, cutting programs that give unearned aid to the kids of slovenly "welfare moms," shredding the safety net designed to catch kids of the non-tax-paying homeless, is really "Tough Love." Instead of walking the streets, instead of setting up housekeeping in city parks, these worthless, wanton sluts have the God-given freedom to make a choice. Like Bush says, they can either keep their legs together--or they can get married. It's that simple! Praise God!
I am thankful for this wonderful country, and for our God-fearing president, who is taking his "Tough Love" crusade to the world stage. I pray that he will be courageous and steadfast, even though it may be difficult at first to convince the hordes of swarthy, evil people who are not like us that they also have a choice to make. They must choose God's side--America's side--or like Vice President Dick Cheney said last week, they will face complete and utter destruction...Hosannas to the King!
I agree with my role model, Caucasian Christian right-wing pundit Ann Coulter, who said just days after the horrific tragedy of 9-11, "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." Now, what could be more profound than that? Of course, Coulter also said it may be necessary to kill some of them, in order to "frighten the others into line..." It doesn't matter that Coulter was talking about "killing and frightening" Democrats in the latter case -- the principle is still the same glorious command from our gracious Lord on High...
Imagine my delight when I read that the Justice Department is ordering federal agents to rout out thousands of illegal Middle Eastern immigrants--to get 'em on the run and bring 'em to justice! From Coulter's lips to Ashcroft's ears--eh, Scoob? Agents were told to interrogate the dark-skinned "absconders," to "find methods of detaining them for possible criminal charges," and to "seek ways to prosecute" the evil ones...
Wouldn't you know the bleeding hearts are already front and center, trying to thwart God's will as He works through His chosen one to rid the world of evil? Civil libertarians are screeching that our president is blatantly practicing "racial profiling." What a crock! Bush tells us repeatedly--sometimes reading the same speech three--four times a day--that it's "us" and "them." Well, HeLLO! Anybody can tell at a glance that these dark, shifty-eyed, violent terrorists are not "us." Is it racial profiling to state the obvious -- that they're "them?"
It's treasonous to criticize Bush's mission to bring the world to justice for people like us--whether it's the whinings of the craven homeless or the unintelligible barkings of camel cowboys. Like they're doing in San Francisco, we need to scrub down the streets--not only of the Homeland, but of the entire world. We need to apply the Bush Doctrine of "Tough Love."
Those who complain, who can't be converted to Christianity, haven't a chance of getting into Heaven anyway. Getting rid of them is a blessing. Because, God knows--they're not like us...
* * *
Sheila Samples was the former Public Information Officer for Fort Sill, Oklahoma, and former Department of Defense Journalist of the Year. For years, she published in Oklahoma Today, and the Oklahoma Observer. She is primarily a sports writer, having had a weekly column in the Army newspaper, in the now defunct College and Pro Sports and in the national Sporting Times. Sheila is retired and lives in Cache, Oklahoma.
|DAILY BUZZ||FIFTH COLUMNIST||CARTOONS||SOUTHERN STYLE|
|MEDIA LINKS||LINK ARCHIVES||SEND NEWSFLASH||ABOUT|
otherwise noted, all original