Another State of the Union

January 30, 2002

My fellow Republicans -

It has been a hard year. Evil doers have attacked us. My daughters drink. I choked on a pretzel. Someone named Ken Lay keeps calling me. Mr. Lay, whoever you are, please stop. I don't know you.

(Wild applause)

There are many problems in the world. I don't know what to do about them. I'm just a spoiled rich kid. I partied through college. I snorted coke. I drank. I boffed girls.

(Standing ovation)

But I'm here tonight to tell you that I'm proud to be a Murican. In the audience there is a great Murican named Lee Greenwood. His song makes us all proud. Stand up Lee.

(Foot stomping, cheering)

Lee's song is called "God Bless the USA." I know God loves this country. Jesus loves this
country. If he were here today Jesus would be a Murican.

(Thunderous applause)

He would personally drop a daisycutter on the evil ones because they are bad. They are evildoers.

Here tonight is another fine Murican and Christian. His name is John Ashcroft. John is
personally fighting the war on breasts -- sinful, wicked evil breasts - right here in the
nation's capitol. Thank you John.

(Audience rises. Chants "Thank you John" 50 times.)

(Chokes up) It's hard doing this job. But I have lots of helpers. Good people like Ari and Karl and a fine man I turn to for inspiration. His name is Eric Carle and he wrote a great book - one I read everyday. It's the story of how a tiny egg turns into a caterpillar and then eats apples, pears, plums, and all kind of hot dogs and lollipops until he makes himself sick and then..well, I won't go on. I don't want to spoil the ending. But I do think Mr. Carle
had me in mind when he wrote that book.

I'm that VERY (pause) HUNGRY (pause) CATERPILLAR!

(wild thunderous applause, shouting, whistling for 10 minutes.)

Good night and may my personal saviour Jesus bless you and keep you safe from evildoers.

* * *

And now, reaction from the press and pundits:

Chris "Tweety" Matthews: A great speech, a defining moment. "Ich bin ein caterpiller" I loved it!

Howard Fineman: I'm leaving to join the team headed for Mt. Rushmore in the morning!

Tim Russert: (Only shoot me above the waist please) Gettysburg what? History has been
rewritten tonight.

Sean Hannity: I put a call into the Pope. He's going to be the first living guy canonized.

Peggy Noonan: He makes Reagan look like a lightweight. Laura, would you like to share?

TOMORROW'S HEADLINE : A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY - Bush Soars!!

* * *

With regret that this is what it's come to,

Contributed by BuzzFlash Reader HP Mecartea