A BuzzFlash Reader Contribution

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Absolut Spy

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION
by Holly Chmil

Friends- Romans- Countrymen- Lend me your earwires...

As a little girl I wanted to be a detective, a spy or a jewel thief, in that order. No golden palomino, no pink tutu & ballet slippers for me- just straight up intrigue, thanks, with a nice big tangy wedge of lime. And further- I admit it. I have a thing about G-men. Justice makes me swoon. Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is all that & a bag of chips. Eliot Spitzer might as well be Eliot Ness in my book. Wesley Clark is simply the cat's pajamas in my world.

So it occurs to me that this domestic spying thing of w's isn't such a bad idea after all. Think about it.

Where the excesses of the ironically named PATRIOT Act fall short, it's quite clear we need a robust internal spy network- something beyond Carnivore, beyond e-mail sniffers... Just think what we could have done with such power if we could fall back through the Blackbox Looking Glass in Florida 2000... Or Ohio 2004, take your pick.

It really has caused a lot of pain on the part of the loyal opposition simply to know the answers to the following questions, but not to be able to present definitive proof.

If only we could have spied or could now spy on them, we'd know:

-Is w a human-alien hybrid, or an alien-human hybrid? (I say #2, but I can't prove it.)

-Again: Where is the Able Danger chart? And just who disposed of it? And forget that chart, by the way: IT'S THE DATABASE, STUPID!

-WHY were planes not scrambled effectively on 9/11?

-At whose pleasure were all those Saudi citizens whisked conveniently out of the country on a day when no American citizen could even fly?

-Who among even the dirtiest of neo-cons still thinks Rumsfeld is competent? (HAAAAHAHAAAAA)

-Was it Wolfowitz, Cheney or Perle who decided on using WMD as the (always shifting) rational for the Iraq War?

-Is it really Karl Rove on the other end of w's earpiece, or some other dark shadowy figure (like baby-faced-Picture-of-Dorian-Gray-Ralph Reed) running the show? you know, he "who travels by night" ala Voldemort...

-Who engineered the embedded reporter program? (& the billion other payoff propaganda attempts, known & unknown?)

-What exactly were John Roberts & John Bolton doing in Florida in 2000-other than looking like the cat that swallowed the canary? P.S.- Does Roberts have a soul?

-Why can't w's blood tests be released? And those military records... uh. The other ahem real ones.

-A bike accident, right. Bruises & lesions on w's face- and no one says anything.

-And, was that really a GIANT VISIBLE MIKE SYSTEM poking out from the back of his suit AT A NATIONALLY TELEVISED DEBATE- or- was it a windy-thing? Either way, no one says anything about this unheard of in your face insult to the Office of the Presidency. "Ahh, all the cool corporate kids are doing it..."

-How much actual $$$ did James Baker, the Carlyle Group & other Reagan-era corpses actually make by installing Baby Bush in the White House? Do numbers go that high?

-Is there a secret self-hating gay cult running the United States of America or not? What about the weird Lynn Cheney/Scooter Libby both penning offbeat porn thing? (If you call bestiality "offbeat.")

-Who the hell let Monica in the White House anyway?

-And so why is it okay that Mary Cheney is gay, but your same-sex neighbors can't marry? Or, alternately, if Mary Cheney is allowed to marry, then this somehow mars the marriages of your straight neighbors? And what has this to do with LEGITIMATE GOVERMENT BUSINESS? (You say Schiavo, I say Universal Health Care- just not that kind).

-Every detail SECRET of every deal SECRET Cheney cut CLASSIFIED with energy execs in those famous SECRET Energy Task Force Meetings... And oh yeah, those SECRET prison camps, SECRET outsourced torture, the SECRET black mystery jet...

-How did Tony Blair morph into such an evangelical PNAC creep when he had so much potential starting out? Exactly what did it take to buy Cool Britannia?

-How do they sleep at night- sedation or does some dark force just click their power source off for the night & stuff them back in their pods?

-Why did Ari Fleischer leave his post again? Exact breaking point, please.

-Why doesn't the press just ASK Scott McClellan if he is gay? (Which is fine- but the gay-bashing platform then ISN'T!!)

-Exactly who Jeff Gannon was err, .... [delete delete deleting] in the White House- And who the hell let Gannon in the White House?

-Which illegal, Constitution-bending transgression resulted in the departure of the odious Ashcroft, to be replaced of course by the even more odious Gonzales?

-Who What When (we know why) Where & How the character assassination hits were put out on McCain (no sympathy for the devil here, just morbid curiosity), Cleland & Kerry? Was it Barbara Bush working through Rove?

-Who really killed Nick Berg?

-Ohio 2004- Oh come on with the Jean Evil Minnie Mouse Schmidt winning thing again already.

So friends, do not judge the domestic spying program too harshly. In the right hands, it could be a valuable weapon.

Oh & Dick Cheney? With no due respect, "Sir,"- stick it where the Sunshine Laws don't shine.

Holly Chmil
Chinchilla, PA

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION