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Dubya Ghost Toast

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION
Satire

New! And just in time for the Christmas season! From RoveCo international, the company that brought you "Dashboard President", and "Soaring Eagle" John Ashcroft's greatest hits CD. Do you have that certain someone on your Christmas list that you just can't think of anything to get for? Looking for a gift that's both inspirational and entertaining for adults or kids? Well, look no further, why don't you give them the new RoveCo "Toast Ghost" toast decorating kit!?

It's quick, and it's easy! Just take a slice of bread, place the included stencil, spray on our patented enhancing solution, remove the stencil, pop the bread in your toaster and in minutes up jumps a perfect likeness of our commander-in-chief to share breakfast with you and yours! It works each and every time, guaranteed, or your money back!

Just imagine the delightful squeals from your children as a picture of the President magically appears on each and every slice!

It's the perfect gift for the Republican or Democratic household. If you're a Republican, just imagine the peace and serenity that you and your children will enjoy through communion with the bread and body of our leader and Savior each and every morning! If you're a Democrat, just imagine the boost you'll get every morning muttering the phrase "George Bush is toast", and then stomaching the inevitable bad news from his administration in the newspaper with a bit of butter and your favorite jam or jelly!

If you order now, we will include a stencil accessory pack and a second spray bottle of our patented enhancing solution at no extra charge! This includes stencils for Jesus Christ, Elvis, ET the extraterrestrial, the Virgin Mary, and the Mona Lisa, just to name a few. While we cannot condone fraudulent use of our products, similar examples of "possessed toast" have sold on eBay recently for upwards of $20,000! What better way to start a nest egg for yourself or a college fund for your child?

How does this work? The answer is in RoveCo's patented secret enhancing solution. The aromatic compounds involved chemically bond to the carbohydrate molecules of the bread slice. When the heat from a toaster is applied, the affected area of bread instantly undergoes an exothermic reaction resulting in a much darker browning of the bread. (Directions must be adhered to religiously, as a gross overapplication of the enhancing solution has been linked to some toaster fires during testing, and it is not advisable to use the enhancing solution near an open flame.)

Is it safe? Theoretically, yes! RoveCo international has been a proud and ongoing participant with the EPA to salvage the bad names and reputations of any number of very useful chemical compounds. If you order now and you are from Duval County Florida, RoveCo international will be proud and happy to enroll you in an ongoing EPA study (http://www.epa.gov/cheers/) with a $970 per month stipend for your children. You and your family can proudly support President Bush and the long-standing tradition of the entrepreneur in the United States. As we here at RoveCo like to say, you can't sell an Omelette-o-Matic without cracking a few eggs!

How much for all of this patriotic fun? Only $19.95! And if you order now we will also include a spray can of RoveCo's best food lacquer to preserve your treasures! (If the food lacquer is to be used with "Toast Ghost" enhancing solution, you must make sure that the enhancing solution has been completely reacted by heating from the toaster. If you suspect the food lacquer has been applied to some partially unreacted enhancing solution and notice a faint odor of "burnt toast", immediately evacuated the premises and notify 911.) That's the "Toast Ghost" toast decorating kit plus accessories stencils, an extra spray bottle of enhancing solution, a spray can of food lacquer and enrollment in the EPA study plus stipend of $970 per month for only $19.95!

Order now from our toll-free number 1-800-328-2874 (SEE *WARNING*) or 1-800-EAT-BUSH. Our operators are standing by... in Bangladesh... and they speak relatively good English. Visa, MasterCard, or the new Political Capital Card accepted.

A dedicated BuzzFlash Reader

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION

(*WARNING*) That phone number is real, although what we heard when we dialed gave us the impression that we would soon be asked to describe what we were wearing. Call at your own risk.