BuzzFlash Guest Contribution

Gimme a B-U-S-H!

A BUZZFLASH GUEST CONTRIBUTION
Satire by Kathy & Tony Peyser

OK, Dubya stunk in the debates. But to quote the Bushies whenever they do something awful, it's time to move on. More importantly, let's make way for the fabled October Surprise. Hold the phone, grab a megaphone, a goofy outfit and say it with us:

George W. Bush Is The Yell Leader Of The Free World!

One of the few actual accomplishments Bush can call his own without the help of Poppy, the Saudis or multi-national cartels was a stint as a spirited yell leader at both Andover prep school and Yale. Why not dust off some of those considerable skills and deploy them as November 2nd draws closer? This is one area where Bush really has some expertise.

Rumor has it that he's cold-shouldered the usual bevy of White House speechwriters and written the colorful yells himself. Previous presidential strategy sessions concerned the worsening state of the war, iffy international affairs and dicey domestic policies. This time the focus is on GOP girlie-men like Dick Cheney, Bill Frist and Tom DeLay wielding pompoms and forming a human pyramid while lip-synching to Britney Spears cover of Bobby Brown's song "It's My Prerogative." Karen Hughes will enact her peppy "W is for Women" gymnastics routine with energetic assistance from Condi Rice, Laura Bush and Liddy Dole. These nattily dressed Neo-Cons will look darn fetching in their matching red, white and blue cheerleader outfits. The gals' cheers, cartwheels and some saucy splits are sure to captivate the GOP base and goose any undecided voters to the Bush camp. To generate further excitement for his campaign right before the election, the country's largest pep rally will be led by Dubya himself on the South Lawn of the White House.

At great personal risk, a Washington insider slipped us some of the actual cheers which will be heard at the rally. If we're investigated about this leak, we're going to crack under pressure, cry like babies and admit that the person who smuggled us these cheers was ... Robert Novak. It's not true but he's got it coming.

PUSH 'EM BACK, PUSH 'EM BACK OUT OF IRAQ!
LOOK OUT, AL-QAEDA, WE'RE GONNA ATTACK!
ALL THOSE LIBERALS DON'T KNOW JACK!
(OR SO SAYS THE RECEIVER ON MY BACK!)

* * * * *

JOHN KERRY PILOTS TED KENNEDY'S YACHT!
WHO CARES THAT I DRANK AND SMOKED LOTSA POT?
VOTE FOR ME AND THE DEMOCRATS WILL FADE!
WATCH ME AS I OVERTURN ROE V. WADE!

* * * * *

OUR SUPPORTERS ARE SWINGING GREAT BIG MALLETS!
WE'RE TEARING UP LOTS OF DEMOCRATIC BALLOTS!
STICK WITH ME AND COOL GUNS YOU'LL BE TOTING!
BUT WE GOTTA BE SURE TO SUPPRESS BLACK VOTING!

* * * * *

WE'RE GONNA WIN AND THAT'S FOR CERTAIN!
I NEVER MET ANYBODY FROM HALLIBURTON!
"MARY CHENEY'S A LESBIAN" I HEARD KERRY SAY!
WHEN EVERYBODY KNOWS SHE'S JUST GAY!

* * * *

I'M A FELLA WHO NEVER SAT ON THE BENCH!
THAT JOHN KERRY IS JUST SO ... SO ... FRENCH!
I DRANK BEER, BUT HE SIPS WHITE WINES!
JUST LIKE HIS COMMIE WIFE TERESA HEINZ!

* * * * *

LEAN TO THE LEFT? AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
LEAN TO THE RIGHT? LET ME HEAR YOU CLAPPIN'!
RE-ELECT ME AND I'LL BOMB NORTH KOREA!
BUT I'LL STILL NEED HELP FROM JUSTICE SCALIA!

* * * * *

I'LL DO ANYTHING TO WIN, THAT'S MY GAME!
I SIGNED OFF ON OUTING VALERIE PLAME!
I MADE AMERICA BETTER BUT WANT TO DO MORE!
ELECT ME AGAIN AND I'LL EVEN HELP THE ... RICH!

* * * * *

(As we went to press, the Kerry campaign announced the Senator will counter-program this event by getting his old garage band, The Electras, back together for a reunion concert that same night on the steps of The Lincoln Memorial. This is bad news for Bush since the latest polls show women will decide this race and there's one area where they're not at all undecided: chicks always prefer musicians to yell leaders.)

A BUZZFLASH GUEST CONTRIBUTION