April 19, 2004
Bush, Reality in Trial Separation
BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION
Washington, D.C. — In a move that many pundits have been predicting for weeks, President Bush announced that he and reality will be going their separate ways for the foreseeable future.
“It’s unfortunate,” said the President in his weekly FOX News interview, “But sometimes, things just don’t work out like you’d hoped. The fact is, I’m a positive, forward-looking looker, and, frankly, it seems as though, for the past year or so, reality has done nothing but nit-pick about the past and present. I prefer to focus on the successful overthrow of an evil dictator in Iraq, whereas reality just couldn’t get past the violence, America-hating and recent increase in soldier’s casualties. It was taking a toll on me that I couldn’t not no longer stand, so I decided we needed to spend some time apart.”
According to many Beltway insiders, the split had been coming for some time.
“Oh, you could see it from a mile away”, said one State Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The President and reality have been at cross-purposes for months. It was very frustrating for him. He’d go out for a photo op, say, to a VFW chapter, and gush about how proud he was of our troops, carrying the ‘flag of freedom’, and how appreciative we should all be, and, even before Air Force One could touch down in D.C., there’d be reports in the press of how, in actuality, his administration was trying to cut hazard pay for the armed services. He felt betrayed.”
Friends say Mr. Bush’s battles with reality, which are long-standing, took a turn for the worse after no WMD’s, or “weapons of mass destruction”, were found in Iraq.
“He was pissed,” admitted Lowry Mays, founder and CEO of Clear Channel, “I mean, think about it: Taking over Iraq was a big priority in his administration and, when they hit upon the whole WMD thing, it was sheer genius. Not only do you get to invade a foreign country, whip up on some brown-skinned peoples and take over one of the largest oil reserves in the world, you get to be a hero while doing it! Ka-ching, baby!
“So, imagine how he must have felt, after running roughshod over allies’ concerns and dissenting voices at home, to go into Baghdad, depose Saddam Hussein, occupy the country and then have it all ruined by the fact that there were no weapons of mass destruction. That was the beginning of the end for reality, right there.”
Shortly afterwards, the truth undermined Mr. Bush’s claims of Saddam’s attempt to buy uranium concentrate, or “yellowcake”, from Niger. Then, in quick succession, Iraq’s connections to Osama bin Laden, the discovery of two mobile bioweapons labs, and the purported existence of long-range, remote-controlled drones, all withered under reality’s glare.
“That’s the problem with reality,” Vice-President Dick Cheney lamented. “It babbles on like a gossipy old woman — once it gets started, it just won’t shut up. You can devise an almost perfect plan of action, unhindered by any facts whatsoever, and wham! Six months later, reality pops up and you spend twenty-four hours a day covering your ass!” Mr. Cheney, who admitted nudging the President toward this break-up, is very happy with Mr. Bush’s decision. “Hell, I’ve been divorced from reality for almost a decade now and, let me tell you, it makes life a whole lot easier. Me, [Donald] Rumsfeld, [Paul] Wolfowitz — we all kicked that truth-telling bitch to the curb years ago and not a one of us has any regrets! Facts are waaaaaaay over-rated. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my daily swim in a soup can.”
Though the President announced the split only yesterday, those in the know say that reality had already moved out of the Oval Office months ago. Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, learned of it watching this year’s State of the Union address. “It was obvious,” Mr. McClellan said. “Let’s face it, there’s always been a lot of tap-dancing when I defend the President’s policies at the Press Briefings — drilling in Alaska won’t harm the environment, tax cuts for the rich promote job growth, etc., etc., blah blah blah — but when, in the face of all the credibility and logistic problems we were having in Iraq, he finds time to expound upon the problem of steroids in baseball? Hoo-boy! You’d have to be very, very partisan not to pick up on that!”
Mr. Bush conceded that recent events in Fallujah and Najaf were the final straw in the already tenuous relationship. “I really thought we were making some progress up until then, but it looks like I was wrong. It’s pretty hard to sell the American people on how great we’re doing in Iraq when reality keeps undercutting me with things like the truth. I still hope we can work things out, mind you, but for now, facts and I have agreed to give each other a wide berth.”
Those close to the White House expect a more energized President, now that he has totally untethered himself from reality. “Truth to tell, reality never held much sway in this administration, anyhow,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN). “Falsehoods, misstatements, fibs, canards, untruths — even fantasy and delusion had the President’s ear more than reality. Still, now that that nagging little voice is finally out on the street, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a return to the pre-war leader who painted his vision with such broad brush-strokes.”
In a related story, Mr. Bush has called a press conference this afternoon, where he is expected to promote federal funding for a moon-based football league and announce the entry into NATO of a school of carp.
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