|
Bush Finds Iraq’s Nuclear Weapons Program
A
BUZZFLASH READER SATIRE
by
Osama bin Hiding
BAGHDAD, Iraq, July 3 (BUZZFLASH NEWS NETWORK) — Today, a team of CIA weapons finders found what the Bush administration is touting to be the “the smoking gun that proves we needed to invade Iraq." The CIA unearthed, literally, a centrifuge and plans to make a nuclear weapon from the back yard of an Iraqi scientist. The scientist buried these items 12 years ago, shortly after the Gulf War in 1991.
The scientist states that he has received no instructions or communications from Saddam’s regime since 1991. The material, which remained buried until it was dug up yesterday, “is the key to the entire Iraqi nuclear weapons program” according to the White House.
Initially there was some skepticism by major news organizations that a single piece of laboratory equipment and plans that could have been downloaded off the internet were really an “imminent threat to our national security." During the 5 minutes of skepticism, some news organizations almost considered, possibly, maybe, publishing stories critical of the Bush administration.
The White House quickly mobilized its team and the news media was relieved to be allowed to return to its uninterrupted pandering to the Bush administration.
To explain how this centrifuge was the ‘smoking gun’, Ari stated “This was an active nuclear weapons program, run by highly trained ground hogs. These ground hogs worked in secret under this lawn in Iraq.”
Ari further explained that these specially trained ground hogs were “either destroyed or shipped to Syria shortly before the invasion."
President Bush commented “Those hogs could do this ‘nukulear stuff’, and they are no longer a threat to the American people. Furthermore, I am sure a lot of ground hogs out there are smarter than the people who voted for me.”
Bush added “We have proven our case, and there don’t need to be anymore news stories about the Weapons of Mass Destruction. We need to focus on the future, and the future is tax cuts for the wealthy. My tax cuts for the wealthy helped us find these Weapons of Mass Destruction and these same tax cuts will help us correct the problems in the Ozone layer.”
Tom Delay (R-Texas) chimed in and whined, “We need this tax cut just as much as Saddam needed those ground hogs, the link couldn’t be any clearer, this is a great day to be an American and wave an American flag.”
In related action, John Ashcroft had actor and comedian Bill Murray arrested. Ashcroft explained “I strongly believe that Saddam got his ideas for using ground hogs from watching Bill Murray in Caddyshack. Our department is using its powers under the Patriot act to investigate all of Murray’s library records, emails, telephone calls, and movies; we are going to keep Murray locked up at Guantanamo Bay until we can prove our case."
David Monroe, M.D.
A BUZZFLASH READER SATIRE
Articles in the BuzzFlash Contributor section are posted as-is. Given the timeliness of some Contributor articles, BuzzFlash cannot verify or guarantee the accuracy of every word. We strive to correct inaccuracies when they are brought to our attention.
