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The Duct Tape Reports
BUZZFLASH
READER SATIRE
by
Peter Hochstein
"In a news conference, Ridge clarified the Homeland Security Department's suggestion on Monday that citizens buy duct tape and plastic sheeting to seal windows in case of an attack with biological, chemical or radioactive weapons.
"'I want to make something very, very clear at this point. We do not want individuals or families to start sealing their doors or windows,'" Ridge said. He noted that the department had only recommended that people have those items as part of an emergency supply kit to be used ‘in the unlikely but possible event something could occur in your community.'"
"The recommendation to buy duct tape and plastic sheeting….drew criticism from experts who said that the recommendation was vague and that sealing off a room would offer only limited protection against lethal substances."
New
York Newsday
Feb. 17, 2003
* * *
Washington -- Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan suggested today that if another round of tax cutting doesn't hold the economy together, "we can always fall back on duct tape."
Pointing out that "American ingenuity has been summoned to the cause of repairing economic tribulations in more than one prior incident during the unfolding of market-driven events in less than distant history," Greenspan suggested that the falling Dow could be attached to one end of a length of duct tape, and the other end of the tape stuck to the ceiling of the New York Stock Exchange, "thus immobilizing an economic free fall and holding price levels more or less in place in the near-term foreseeable future."
Greenspan also offered "a modest conjecture" that once the Dow had been taped to the ceiling, the widely quoted index might then be raised with the help of "an ingenious manipulation of screw jacks, brought to the Stock Exchange floor and turned in unison until the roof's elevation increases in height by several hundred points."
* * *
Washington -- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told a luncheon meeting of military defense contractors to consider ways of using duct tape as an anti-missile defense weapon that would cover the skies of the United States and provide an impermeable shield against incoming missiles.
"If some crazy artist can wrap a bridge or a whole office building with cloth, I don't see why you guys can't cover the sky with duct tape," Rumsfeld told the assembled industrialists. "True, we'd lose some sunshine, but that's the price we pay for freedom."
Rumsfeld called his idea for an anti-missile duct tape umbrella "simple in principle." He said, "Just imagine tape covering the entire sky, sticky side up. As incoming nukes from somewhere in the Axis of Evil, say Korea or Iraq or someplace, fall toward the United States, they would get stuck to the duct tape and explode harmlessly in the ionosphere."
Moreover, Rumsfeld said, the President has good reason to believe that the entire project could be paid for with another tax cut.
* * *
Detroit -- The Big Three automakers announced a plan to make SUV fuel consumption competitive to that of small four-cylinder cars with the help of duct tape.
"By holding automobile parts together with tape instead of bolts and rivets, we can cut the weight of most SUVs by a minimum of 10 percent -- an efficiency that translates directly into fuel savings, a spokesman for the automakers said.
"We can cut weight another 35 to 60 percent by molding duct tape and spray painting it to resemble trunk lids, hoods, doors and roofs of most sports utility vehicles.
"In addition, undercarriage springs can be replaced by a double layer of duct tape, and we're even looking at using duct tape instead of belted steel in radial tires. All this will also help to cut production costs, thus increasing profits to our shareholders and the eight-figure bonuses paid to our deserving chairmen," said the spokesman.
President George W. Bush immediately endorsed the idea and recommended a special tax cut for automobile companies and their executives, as a means of encouraging them to bring a duct tape automobile to market.
* * *
Laredo, Texas -- The United States Immigration and Nationalization Service has begun experimenting here with a duct tape border fence, said to be ten times as effective as concertina razor wire at keeping out illegal immigrants.
"The secret is a special coating of Krazy Glue on the Mexico side of the tape," a border guard revealed to this reporter, "When the Mexicans touch the fence, they stick to it like a tongue to a steel rail in a Minneapolis winter. Then our guys just come by, wrap the illegals in more of the tape, put them in cardboard tubes and ship them back to where they came from, postage due."
"This is another example of why I've been recommending tax cuts," President George W. Bush said, "Instead of throwing the taxpayers' money at immigrants to keep them out, we can just throw duct tape."
* * *
Houston -- While the cause of the last Space Shuttle disaster is still not officially known, NASA engineers say they have found a way to prevent future ones.
"We'll just duct tape closed all those wheel wells and let the shuttle land on its belly. That's not as risky as it sounds, because we're going to cover the runway with rollers that take the place of the shuttle's tires in providing a smooth landing," one of the engineers explained.
Duct tape will also be used to wrap the fuel rockets from which a piece of Styrofoam is thought to have broken off and caused damage to the last shuttle shortly after takeoff began.
"If that stuff doesn't hold the foam in place, nothing will, and given the money we've had to work with since the tax cut, that's exactly what we've got," the engineer said.
* * *
St. Louis -- Schoolteachers who complain that Federal tax cuts have led to the decimation of state budgets, especially for schools and textbooks, were offered a solution today by First Lady Laura Bush.
Appearing at a faculty meeting of a local elementary school, Mrs. Bush listened to a litany of complaints that included tattered textbooks from which pages fell when students tried to pick them up and read from them.
"My goodness!" a shocked Mrs. Bush replied, "you people can solve that problem in a jiffy with Scotch tape."
But teachers complained that even everyday items like Scotch tape were in short supply on their school system's starved budget.
"Well then, just bring in some duct tape from your emergency supply kits," Mrs. Bush suggested warmly.
* * *
United Nations -- Secretary of State Colin Powell told the Security Council that unless there is a unanimous endorsement of a United States invasion of Iraq, "I am prepared to sit here in this chair until hell freezes over."
Observers noted that the usually animated secretary had not even gotten up to go to the bathroom during the last 48 hours. An aide insisted this was only because "years of military experience have taught him to hold his fire."
Perhaps coincidentally, a workman had been seen repairing the secretary's chair in the Council chamber with duct tape about a half hour before Mr. Powell walked in and sat down.
Later in the day, the Council chamber was hurriedly vacated for a while after an Iraqi delegate insisted he smelled gas. Only Mr. Powell remained in place. UN security personnel using high tech gas spectrometers swept the room but found "No Sarin, no mustard gas, and only harmless trace amounts of methane."
BUZZFLASH READER SATIRE
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