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Early Morning Jokes for March 27 -- Tony Peyser

Submitted by BuzzFlash on Thu, 03/27/2008 - 1:21am. Tony Peyser

From 1994-1997, I drew daily cartoons for Laugh Lines, the L.A. Times' humor page. I also wrote topical jokes every day. Even though the WGA strike has been settled, the strike was the inspiration for Early Morning Jokes, like the Iran hostage crisis was for "Nightline" but with better hair. Yes, even though the late-night writers are back, there's plenty of room to stake out a different time of day to call my own.

Welcome to ...

Early Morning Jokes
by Tony Peyser

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama put rival Hillary Clinton on the spot by releasing his full tax returns and challenging her to do the same. Hillary helpfully shot back, "Why haven't Rev. Wright's tax returns been made available? What's that America-hater hiding?"

The only people who've passed Hillary Clinton's Commander-in-Chief threshhold are Hillary and John McCain. She couldn't discover the philanderer in the White House and McCain couldn't locate the pill-popper in his own home. These two couldn't find Osama bin Laden if he was doing the coin toss at the Super Bowl.

Barack Obama ridiculed Republican presidential rival John McCain on Wednesday for what he called a "sit back and watch" approach to the economic troubles gripping the nation. Barack, McCain is 72 years old. At that age, you have two daily options: 1) sit back and 2) watch. This isn't political laziness, it's just "age-appropriate behavior."

The crash of Wall Street's once mighty Bear Stearns underscores the need to bring investment houses under the kind of federal scrutiny that has long been given to commercial banks, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said Wednesday. In other words, bring on oversight because undersight hasn't worked.

Sen. Norm Coleman compared his opponent Al Franken to Rush Limbaugh. After consulting with his alter-ego, Stuart Smalley, Franken tearfully told reporters, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

Fed up with being excluded from the debates and marginalized, former Senator Mike Gravel announced he'll seek the Libertarian Party nomination for president. If you're having trouble going to sleep lately, keep mentioning the 24 words in that first sentence and that'll do the trick. I tried it last night and even the sheep I was counting conked out immediately.

About 60 protesters opposed to the U.S. Federal Reserve's help in bailing out Bear Stearns entered the lobby of the investment bank's Manhattan headquarters on Wednesday, demanding assistance for struggling homeowners while chanting "Help Main Street, not Wall Street." That phrase may turn out to be the 21st century version of "Make Love, Not War."

A week after Starbucks was ordered to refund more than $100 million to baristas in California over a pooling of gratuities controversy, the coffee giant was hit Tuesday with a similar lawsuit in Massachusetts -- and others may be filed in Washington, New York, and Minnesota. The good news for Starbucks is a new drink may emerge from this embarrassment: The Tip Flappuccino.

Tony Peyser provides daily poems and weekly cartoons for BuzzFlash and also wrote the BuzzFlash column, "Blue State Jukebox." He was a daily cartoonist for the L.A. Times from 1994 to 1997. You can e-mail Tony at tonypeyser@yahoo.com.

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