The Diplomat Decathlon: Bush's Marathon of Olympic Blunders

A BUZZFLASH NEWS ANALYSIS
by Amy Weiss

Having been a part-owner owner of the Texas Rangers for 9 years, President George W. Bush may actually be more knowledgeable about sports than say, governing. At the Beijing Olympics, his role as Head of State and Superfan collided. While American athletes were breaking world records and clinching medals, the president had a few medal-winning performances of his own in the "Diplomat Decathlon."

First up for the president was the flag events. He was off to a great start at the Opening Ceremony in "Bored Mini-Flag Tapping." His musicality was seemingly unmatched by the other dignitaries and the unprecedented "watch check" move was simply stellar. This, however, was not a solo event. First Lady Laura Bush was a strong addition to the team. She also checked her watch and waved a fan in sync with the mini-flag to create a stunning display of boredom and to significantly reduce the flag's importance. 10.0

In the "Flag Display," however, he stumbled. He scored high style points for the height of the flag and the proud smirk, but unfortunately lost significant points for accuracy: 6.5

^{(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)}

The president had little time to rest before the "Sweaty Shirt Marathon." First he warmed up with beach volleyball stars and 2004 Gold Medal winners Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor.

^{(Photo from Huffington Post)}

Then he looked strong as he paid a visit to the women’s softball team where his sweaty shirt was showcased by the chalky handprint of outfielder Laura Berg.

^{(Photo from Huffington Post)}

In a gutsy move few competitors perform, he apparently wore the sweaty shirt indoors to watch swimming… the next day? (His fun with volleyball and softball players was Sunday afternoon…the swimming events he saw took place Monday morning Beijing time.) 9.0

^{(White House photo by Eric Draper)}

Bush had a few close calls in the "Interacting Appropriately With Your Athletes" event. Bikini-clad Misty May-Treanor invited him to give her the customary beach volleyball “love tap” but he squeaked by, opting for the lower-back pat instead of a full on ass-smack. Whew. Still his overall polish and finesse were a bit lacking in this category, as Wonkette illustrates very well. 5.5

He aced "Ride a Bike While There’s an International Crisis Brewing" as he wakes up Sunday morning and hits the mountain-biking course. Let’s go to The Associated Press for a recap:

In a green T-shirt and black shorts, the president biked more than an hour on the course on a warm, muggy, hazy day, accompanied by secret service agents and aides. He dabbed at his face with a towel as he left, then called the course "really, really difficult."

"That's why I'm an amateur and they're Olympians," Bush added.

Pure poetry. 10.0

He also achieved perfection in:

"Look More Engaged Than Henry Kissinger" 10.0

^{(Photo from fav.or.it)}

"Lame Duck Facial Gymnastics" 10.0

^{(Photo from Wonkette)}

and "Test the Secret Service’s Agility by Making Them Catch You." 10.0 

^{(Photo from FourWinds10)}

The last two events took place during his interview with NBC primetime Olympics anchor Bob Costas. He performed respectably in "Downplay the Authoritarianism of the Chinese Government" by saying he was "sorry [former Olympian and Gold Medalist] Joey Cheek didn’t come" to the Beijing games as planned, ignoring the opportunity to express disappointment with the Chinese for REVOKING CHEEK’S VISA because of his activism on behalf of Sudanese refugees in Darfur. 9.0

He closed the competition with a solid showing in "Diminish Your Country’s Hardship," taking only one sentence: "I don’t see America having problems." It’s a clean finish to a steady race. 9.5

There were several potential upsets from Bush’s challengers: Putin’s bold performance in "Blatantly Ignore the Olympic Truce" and Sarkozy’s superhuman show in "Keep Your Jacket On During the Entire 5-hour, 90-plus Degrees Opening Ceremony." Still, Bush’s 4-day run secures him the Diplomat Decathlon Gold Medal.

Well played, Mr. President, well played.

A BUZZFLASH NEWS ANALYSIS

Bookmark/Search this post with:

buzzflash | delicious | digg | yahoo | technorati